How do you know if someone has an avoidant attachment style, or if you’re actually dealing with a narcissist in disguise? Today, I’ll share simple ways to tell if an avoidant is actually a narcissist in disguise, real life examples of how to spot the difference, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
Have you ever felt confused or hurt by someone's distant behavior, and wondered why they suddenly pulled away? And how do you know if their on-again off-again behavior is due to an avoidant attachment style, or if you’re actually dealing with a narcissist in disguise This distinction is important because people with avoidant attachment can heal, but narcissists rarely change. Which means recognizing this difference can save you from years of manipulation, stress, and emotional abuse.
I've spent the last twenty years researching the connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who has faced these challenges firsthand, I know how difficult this can be. Today, I’m sharing simple ways to tell if an avoidant is actually a narcissist in disguise, real life examples of how to spot the difference, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Years ago, when I was trying to make sense out of the painful problems in my first marriage, I was drawn to attachment theory—which is basically a way to understand attachment styles and how your childhood experiences affect the way you form and experience connection.
I didn’t know what had gone wrong in my marriage, all I knew was that we had a short time where everything was amazing, and then all of a sudden, it was like a switch had been flipped. He became distant and cold. And no matter what I tried to do to connect with him, he was guarded and unavailable.
We both had difficult childhoods—my parents were violent and abusive, his parents were neglectful alcoholics—and attachment theory seemed to offer me the answer I was wanting.
I thought I had an anxious attachment style: the product of inconsistent and chaotic parenting and results in a strong desire for closeness and fear of abandonment.
And I thought he had an avoidant attachment style: the product of unavailable and unresponsive parenting that results in a strong desire for emotional distance and independence.
My self-proclaimed attachment diagnosis gave me a false sense of hope that blinded me to the abuse I was enduring, kept me stuck in a toxic relationship for years, and gutted my self-worth. And I don’t want that to happen to you. So let’s get into the differences.
Sign 1: Independence as Manipulation
Have you ever felt confused by someone's sudden need for independence, leaving you unsure of where you stand?
This is our first thing to look at when you’re trying to figure out if someone is an avoidant or a narcissist in disguise: manipulative independence.
People with an avoidant attachment style learned early on to become self-reliant and to keep their guard up. By the time they are adults, they often feel trapped when someone tries to get too close. They do want love and connection, but they struggle with intimacy because they fear getting hurt. So, even though they crave connection, they have a hard time trusting you and letting their walls down. To them, independence is safety and emotional closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability is threatening. So they start to pull away to keep their emotional space.
Now, this gets tricky because a narcissist can use 'independence' as a manipulation tactic. They might try to create a sense of mystery to keep you off balance. Or try to make you feel inferior by making plans without you, acting like they have more important things to do than spend time with you. This isn’t genuine independence; it’s a calculated move to elevate their status and to make you feel less important.
By being unpredictable and elusive, they make you constantly question their actions and your own worth, which keeps you invested in seeking their approval. This keeps them in the position of power, while you’re left feeling like you need to work harder to gain their attention and affection.
The important takeaway here is that avoidants seek independence to protect themselves from vulnerability and rejection. While narcissists use rejection and false independence to control and dominate you.
I didn’t spot my ex-husband as a narcissist because I mistakenly thought narcissists were always needy and attention-seeking. And sometimes he was, but then other times he’d leave for days, without any explanation. Or he’d completely ignore me when other people were around. Instead of recognizing this as narcissistic, I told myself that this was my anxious attachment style, that I was just codependent, that I was too insecure, or too needy.
Tools for empowerment: Intent Check
When you’re trying to determine if someone’s withdrawal or need for independence is due to avoidant attachment or narcissistic manipulation, use the Intent Check.
Next time someone pulls away, directly address the behavior. Say something like, "I’ve noticed that you withdraw sometimes. Can we talk about why this happens?"
You’re looking for whether their answers lean more toward their own fears and insecurities, or if they lean more toward manipulation and control. If they respond thoughtfully and try to explain their need for space it’s more likely avoidant attachment. If they resist responding, deflect the question, make you feel bad or “needy” for asking, or use it as an opportunity to assert control, it's a red flag for narcissistic manipulation.
Sign 2: Manipulative Emotional Distance
Have you ever been in a relationship where your feelings are sidelined or seem unimportant? This is our second thing to look at when you’re trying to figure out if someone is an avoidant or a narcissist in disguise: manipulative emotional distance.
People with an avoidant attachment style struggle with intimacy and vulnerability. Even though they might be deeply empathetic, when they become overwhelmed they might emotionally shut down, dissociate, or retreat with panic. This isn’t due to a lack of empathy, but because of a fierce self-preservation instinct being triggered. And even though this can be painful on the receiving end, they generally do not intend to hurt you; they are simply trying to feel safe.
There are a lot of reasons why people seem emotionally distant. People with neurodivergent conditions such as autism, ADHD, or PTSD might also display similar behaviors. That’s why it’s super important to pay attention to patterns over time, rather than just seeing a behavior and labeling it.
The key is understanding the intent and underlying motivations behind these actions. Narcissists want to control and dominate. The others don’t. Narcissists use their lack of empathy to keep control over you and to make sure that you are always trying to earn their approval.
In my first marriage, I completely missed this. I blamed myself for being too much, thinking that something was wrong with me for wanting more closeness, more connection. I didn’t realize his lack of empathy and emotional disinterest was manipulation.
Tools for empowerment: Empathy Test
When you’re trying to determine if someone’s emotional withdrawal is due to avoidant attachment or manipulative lack of empathy, use the Empathy Test.
A key difference is that avoidants do have empathy and they do desire closeness yet they struggle with insecurity and fear of rejection. They’re always wondering, “Are you going to hurt me?” While narcissists don’t have empathy and do not desire closeness. They’re always wondering “Are you going to serve me?”
To check for this, the next time you express your feelings or need for support, notice how they respond. For instance, share something that requires empathy, say something like, "I’ve been feeling really stressed lately and could use some support."
Then watch their reaction. An avoidant might seem overwhelmed or uncomfortable, but they will still show some level of concern and attempt to help in their own way. They might say something like, "I’m not great at this, but I’m here for you." They genuinely do not want you to be in distress, even if they might not know how to handle the situation.
In contrast, a narcissist won’t really care if you’re in distress, unless it affects your ability to serve their needs. They might try to negate your story, shift the conversation back to themselves, or use your vulnerability against you. Sometimes they might even feign ‘empathy’ to keep control over you, so you remain a secure source of narcissistic supply. They do not want what’s good for you, they want what’s good for them, so proceed with caution.
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Sign 3: Passive Aggressive Control
Have you ever felt like someone was emotionally punishing you without ever directly confronting you? This is our third way to spot a narcissist in disguise: the nuance between passive-aggressive control and conflict avoidance.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to—surprise surprise—avoid conflict. They don’t want confrontation, they don’t want to be stuck in an uncomfortable conversation. Emotional intensity, anything too deep, too real, too vulnerable… is super threatening to them. Their goal is to keep the peace and protect themselves with a safe buffer of distance.
It’s easy to confuse this with a covert narcissist’s classic manipulation tactic: passive-aggression and stonewalling. On the surface, the behavior is the same, basically dodging a conversation, but the intent is very different—it’s not about avoiding conflict, but about controlling you, punishing you, and manipulating the situation to maintain power over you.
But the narcissist has a major blind spot: their need for validation and narcissist supply. And this blindspot shows up clearly here if you know what you’re looking for.
The avoidant doesn’t want you to notice they’re avoiding you, they don’t want you to try to fix it. They just want space so they feel more safe. But the narcissist does want you to notice, they do want you to try to fix it. They want to be able to reject you, make you feel small, and unimportant. This feeds their need for narcissistic supply. They feel validated and powerful by making you feel excluded and unwanted.
They are addicted to no-contact and use it as a passive-aggressive tactic. By withdrawing, they can exert control without taking direct responsibility. This no-contact period leaves you guessing, anxious, and desperate for their approval, which reinforces their power over the relationship.
This was something that always confused me about my ex husband because I misunderstood what he was doing. And I always turned it on myself thinking that I was too sensitive, or too needy, or just too much, period. I was afraid to bring up difficult subjects because I never knew what would happen. I spent years trying to be more accommodating and less confrontational, rather than recognizing that I was in an abusive relationship.
tools for empowerment: Supply Threat
When you’re trying to determine if someone’s behavior is passive-aggressive control or genuine conflict avoidance, use the Supply Threat tool.
A key difference is that avoidants want to protect themselves, not to control you, and they appreciate a time out. While narcissists use stonewalling as a means to manipulate and control, and fear losing their narcissistic supply.
Next time you come up against passive aggression withdrawal or stonewalling, calmly suggest a break: "I notice we’re not getting anywhere right now. Let’s take a time out."
An avoidant person will likely feel relieved by this break and use the time to reflect and calm down, showing they value the time-out for self-preservation. In contrast, this will threaten a narcissist’s sense of control and they will probably put up a fight. They’ll either attempt to pull you back into the conflict or punish you further to reassert their dominance. They’ll break the silence by mocking or belittling the suggestion. They’ll position themselves as a victim, and will escalate their manipulation attempts.
If you notice resistance or increased manipulative behavior, it’s a red flag.
Now that you know a few key differences between avoidant attachment and narcissistic manipulations, the next step is to learn the common mind games narcissists play. If you don’t know how to navigate these mind games, and the narcissist outplays you, it could cost you your job, your family, or the relationships you love most. So click this next to learn the—5 Mind Games Narcissists Play, real life examples of how to spot them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.