Whether it’s a boss, coworker, family member, or someone you’ve just met, narcissists use specific buzzwords to gaslight you, deceive you, and to gain power over you. Today, I'll share 7 catch phrases narcissists use, real life examples of how they use them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
Have you ever wondered if there’s a quick and easy way to spot a narcissist just by the code words they use?
Whether it’s a boss, coworker, family member, or someone you’ve just met, narcissists use specific buzzwords to gaslight you, deceive you, and to gain power over you.
If you’re an empathetic, giving, and caring person, you’re exactly the type of person they target. But if you know what to listen for, it could save you from years of confusion, stress, and emotional abuse.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching the connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who has faced these challenges firsthand, I know how devastating a narcissist can be.
Today, I'll share 7 catch phrases narcissists use, real life examples of how they use them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
Catchphrase #1: Guilt Tripping Accusation
Have you ever been called “selfish” by someone close to you, even after you’ve bent over backwards to help them? This is the first type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: guilt tripping accusations.
This could sound something like being called “materialistic,” if you purchase something you really want. Or “high maintenance” when you ask for something you need. When they’ve broken a promise, or let you down, they might call you “ungrateful” for expressing your disappointment. If you ask them to pay their fair share, they might call you “greedy”. After they’ve kept you waiting, and you ask them to explain why they're so late, they might call you “too needy”.
These types of phrases all decode to the same idea: the narcissist wants you to feel guilty. They want you to feel bad, wrong, remorseful, and regretful for wanting, doing, saying, or feeling anything other than what serves their narcissistic needs. This creates an environment where you feel responsible for their emotions and actions, and feel morally wrong for caring for yourself.
So when you hear this category of catch phrases, understand that the narcissist is simply trying to punish you by pushing the guilt button.
Tools for Empowerment: Anger Redirect Method
If you’re empathetic, or you’ve been raised by narcissists, you have to work extra hard to be resilient to this tactic. Rather than defaulting to feeling guilty, it’s important to recognize the intentional manipulation. When someone tries to use guilt-tripping accusations against you, use the Anger Redirect Method to protect yourself.
Empower yourself by pausing and taking a deep breath. Consciously choose to feel anger instead of guilt, which can protect you from manipulation. Say firmly, "I have a right to take care of my needs."
This does two things: it asserts your right to self-care and redirects your feelings from guilt to protective anger. Observe their reaction. If they escalate, proceed with caution and remove yourself from the situation. By choosing anger over guilt, you safeguard your boundaries and resist manipulation.
Catchphrase #2: Dismissing and Minimizing
Have you ever felt upset, only to be told that you’re just being too emotional? This is the second type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: dismissive and minimizing phrases.
They might say, "Stop being so dramatic," if you tell them that your feelings are hurt. Or, "You’re too sensitive," if you say that you’re cold, hot, sick, tired, or frustrated. They’ll say, "It was just a joke" or "I was just kidding" after they tease you, bully you, or poke fun at your insecurities.
These phrases all decode to the same idea: the narcissist wants you to know that you are not in charge, they are. You’re not allowed to have a separate self, you’re only an extension of the narcissist. Your feelings, your emotions, your experiences–no longer belong to you. Everything must be sanctioned by the narcissist.
By invalidating your experience, making you question your reactions, they train you into giving them more power and more control. They want you to believe that you’re the one who is unreasonable so you’ll stop looking at their behavior and take responsibility for any problems.
Tools for Empowerment: Assertive Ownership Method
When someone uses dismissive and minimizing phrases against you, use the Assertive Ownership Method to protect yourself.
Calmly and firmly say, "It’s my job to define my experience."
This does two things: it asserts your autonomy over your feelings, sets a precedent letting them know that you are not willing to surrender your sense of self for their benefit, and sets a boundary for respectful communication.
If you're dealing with a narcissist, stay on guard. Expect them to continue to dismiss and belittle you, react defensively, or escalate the situation.
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Catchphrase #3: Denial and Deflection
Have you ever been told, "I never said that," when you clearly remember, that ummm… yes, they did say that? This is the third type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: denial and deflection phrases.
They might say, "I didn’t agree to that." when you confront them about a commitment they broke. Or, "That’s not what I meant," when you call them out on a hurtful comment. Or they might say, "Don’t be that way" when you’re trying to discuss why their behavior upsets you, trying to dismiss your feelings and shift the blame back onto you.
Narcissists live in a fantasy world and they need you to not only be a part of their fantasy but to also agree with their fantasy. They don’t have a static, or fully-formed sense of self, or even a grounded perception of reality. To them, everything is fluid and can be bent to their will, for their benefit, whenever they wish.
So what they really mean when they use this type of catchphrase is: your beliefs, feelings, or experience doesn’t matter. What matters is that their narrative wins. It’s a deliberate tactic to get you to step into their fantasy world, and to leave any sense of grounded reality behind you. That way, they gain more control and keep you enslaved as their narcissistic supply.
Tools for Empowerment: Reality Check Method
When someone uses denial and deflection phrases against you, use the Reality Check Method to protect yourself.
Calmly and firmly say, "I remember what happened."
This does two things: it asserts your awareness of the actual situation, shows that you won’t participate in their fantasy, and sets a clear boundary against their manipulation.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, expect resistance. They will continue denying, dismissing, or twisting the truth. Stay firm in your reality and avoid getting drawn into arguments.
Catchphrase #4: Feigning Ignorance
Have you ever had someone act like they don’t understand what you’re saying, even when you know you’re being clear? This is the fourth type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: feigning ignorance phrases.
They might say, "I’m confused," when you ask them to follow through on something they promised. Or, "I don’t understand what you mean," when you try to give them feedback about their performance at work. They might play dumb or act like you’re not making any sense when you try to set a boundary, hoping to exasperate you.
Narcissists use this tactic to undermine your confidence and make you doubt your own communication skills. By pretending not to understand, they shift the focus away from their behavior and onto your ability to explain yourself.
So any feigning ignorance phrase decodes to: they know exactly what you’re talking about, they just don’t like it. They pretend not to understand you so that you keep shoveling more time, attention, and energy in their direction. They want you to feel confused and to question your own clarity. It’s a deliberate tactic to make you doubt yourself and give them the upper hand in the conversation.
Tools for Empowerment: Clarity Method
When someone uses feigning ignorance phrases against you, assert yourself with the Clarity Method.
Calmly and firmly say, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
This does three things: it asserts your confidence in your own communication, sets a clear expectation for them to take responsibility, and prevents the conversation from being derailed by their tactic.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, expect them to continue playing dumb or acting confused. They thrive off of your energy, so do not get baited into explaining, justifying, or becoming exasperated. Stay firm and end the conversation if they continue their manipulation.
Catchphrase #5: Emotional Bondage Phrases
Has anyone ever told you that they care about you… but in reality, they really don’t seem to care about you at all? This is the fifth type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: emotional bondage phrases.
They might do something hurtful and then say, “You know I love you,” to make you feel guilty for questioning their actions. Or they might say, "I just want the best for you," after they’ve caused a scene in front of your friends. They might say something like, "I’m just concerned about the stress load,” when you share that you’re excited about a possible promotion.
The easiest way to decode these phrases is: “spider love.” This is a quick reframe for any type of emotional bondage. Spiders love the fly, which is why they trap it in their web. And narcissists love you in the same way. Just like the spider traps a fly to consume it, narcissists want to trap you and suck you dry. And they use these types of phrases to manipulate your understanding of love and care, making you feel guilty or unreasonable for questioning their intentions. They want to strengthen the emotional bond to keep you trapped and compliant. It’s a deliberate tactic to keep you emotionally tied to them and prevent you from seeing the true nature of the relationship.
Tools for Empowerment: Spider Love Reframe
When someone uses emotional bondage phrases against you, use the Spider Love Reframe to protect yourself.
When the narcissist says a phrase like "I love you," what they are really saying is, “I love the way you make me feel about myself.”
If they say, “I care about you,” what they’re really saying is, “I care about how much you serve my needs.”
If they say, “I want what’s best for you,” what they’re really saying is, “I want the best way to keep you stuck with me.”
And if they say, “I’m just concerned about you," what they’re really saying is, “I’m concerned that I’m losing control over you.”
By mentally reframing their emotional bondage, you can avoid getting drawn into their traps.
Catchphrase #6: Social Shaming
Moving on… Have you ever been criticized for being "bad at social skills" even though you know you’re a reasonably nice person? This is the sixth type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: social shaming phrases.
They might say, "You’re no fun," when you don’t feel like going to the club after a long day of work. Or, "You’re so antisocial and awkward," when you feel shy about being invited to a party where you don’t know very many people. They might label you as a "homebody" or "hermit", acting as if introversion is some sort of character flaw.
Here’s what I really want you to know about this one: this manipulation is about trying to make you do the heavy lifting in socializing because they intrinsically know that they are awkward, they are no fun, and they are bad at social skills.
They know that if people really knew them, they wouldn’t be liked. So without you serving as their activity coordinator, or their social lubricant, they won’t be adored, admired, pitied, or all the other things that they thrive on. Narcissists use these phrases to undermine your confidence and make you feel insecure about your social standing. By shaming you, they try to control your actions and make you more compliant with their desires.
Tools for Empowerment: Social Sovereignty Method
When someone uses social shaming phrases against you, use the Social Sovereignty Method to protect yourself.
Remind yourself that your social preferences, desires, and needs are valid. Nothing is wrong with you. You are allowed to socialize or not socialize. It’s okay to prefer solitude, smaller groups. You have full permission to stay home anytime you want, and just watch tv in your pajamas. If someone tries to weaponize this against you, calmly and firmly say, "I’m good with who I am.” Even if you feel insecure, or awkward, or judged… it’s important to use these words as protection.
This method does two things: it reinforces your self-confidence in your social choices and sets a boundary against their attempts to use you as their social coordinator.
Stay firm in your confidence and independence, and avoid getting drawn into their attempts to shame or control you.
Catchphrase #7: Projection and Inversion
Have you ever been scolded by someone saying "Who do you think you are?" as an attempt to belittle or shame you? This is the seventh type of catchphrase you’ll hear from a narcissist: projection and inversion phrases.
They might say, "You think you’re better than me?" if you stop drinking, or start losing weight, or sign up for college, or make any attempt to improve your life. Or they might call you a narcissist when you point out their manipulative behavior, or make an effort to fix yourself up, or book yourself a much needed vacation. They might take a shot at you, saying "Get off your high horse," on a day where you’re feeling confident enough to ask for something you rightfully deserve.
Here’s how you decode this one: this manipulation is about projecting their own insecurities and narcissistic traits onto you. They can only see the world through their own limited point of view. They can only imagine you through their own belief systems. So they’ll automatically accuse you of the very behaviors, beliefs, and motives they have themselves.
They know that you’re not like them. They know that you don’t want to hurt people. They know that you’re not a narcissist. But they use these inverted phrases because they know it’ll hurt you, knock you down a peg, and make you easier to control. This manipulation is about weaponizing your self-worth against you. It’s terrible, it has life-long effects, and if this has happened to you, I am so very sorry.
Tools for Empowerment: Own Your Worth Method
When someone uses projection and inversion phrases against you, use the Own Your Worth Method to protect yourself.
You build self-worth by investing time, energy, or attention on yourself. A narcissist is going to be very threatened by that. They want to use all of your time, energy, and attention for narcissistic supply. So basically, anything you do to build self-worth will be weaponized against you.
Mentally reframe this and tell yourself, “No one defines my worth but me.”
You and you alone have the ability to strengthen your self-worth. By investing in yourself—you make yourself stronger, better, more loving, more capable. You make the world a better place, not only for you, but for everyone around you.
so to recap…
combat guilt tripping with the anger redirect method.
combat dismissing and minimizing with the assertive ownership method.
Combat denial and deflection with the reality check method.
combat feigning ignorance with the clarity method.
combat emotional bondage with the spider-love reframe.
Combat social shaming with the social sovereignty method.
combat projection and inversion with the own your worth method.
Mastering self-worth is a life-long practice, especially those of us who’ve been harmed by narcissistic relationships. But here’s the deal, now that you know what they say, you need to know what they DO. So click here next to learn—3 Ways Body Language Exposes a Narcissist, so understand the way they position themselves in any room, and how they assert physical dominance. This will help you spot the narcissist early to make sure you’re always one step ahead.