The mind games of a narcissist can be difficult to spot, and if you don't understand them, you could lose your job, your family, or the relationships you love most. Today, I'll share 5 mind games that narcissists play, real life examples of how to spot them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
Have you ever tried to explain yourself, only to be met with blank stares or endless debates, leaving you frustrated like you’re just going in circles? What if this exhaustion was the sign that you’re losing a game you didn’t even know you were playing? If you find yourself full of self-doubt, emotionally drained, or replaying conversations trying to make sense of what was said, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching the deep connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and a survivor myself, I know how difficult these situations can be.
The mind games of a narcissist can be challenging to decipher, and when you don't understand them, it could cost you your job, your family, or the relationships you love most. Today, I'll share 5 mind games that narcissists play, real life examples of how to spot them, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation.
Mind Game 1: Reverse UNO
Have you ever tried to talk with someone about their behavior, only to have the narrative shifted so the tables are suddenly turned on you? This is the first mind game a narcissist uses: the reverse uno.
When you play the card game UNO, the goal is to get rid of all your cards. And as you go around the circle, you start to get an idea of what people will play, and what they have left in their hand. One by one, people are putting down their cards, and finally you only have one card left and you’re just about to win, and then all of a sudden someone slaps down the reverse uno. And your whole game is thrown off, and everyone starts scrambling to find their next card, and then sure enough, when it’s your turn you have to go back to the deck and draw, again and again until you finally find a card to plunk down? That’s the power of the reverse uno. It throws you off, puts you into reaction mode where you’re more likely to make mistakes, and gives your opponent the upper hand.
This is exactly how it works with a narcissist. When you feel hurt or upset, and finally get the strength to confront them about their behavior, they pull the reverse uno to shift the direction of the narrative. So, now you’re the problem and they are the victim. If you say something like, "I felt really hurt when you ignored me at the party," they’ll use the reverse uno and say, "You were the one who spent the whole night chatting with everyone else. How am I supposed to feel about that?" Where you were the one who originally felt vulnerable and hurt, now you’re having to justify and defend.
When you're an empathetic person like you and me, we might miss this mind game because we’re focused on resolving conflicts and mending relationships, and when this reverse uno is played, we get focused on trying to fix the new immediate problem, rather than seeing the manipulation for what it is.
Tools for empowerment: Wild Card Strategy
When you find yourself confronting someone and they suddenly shift the conversation to your past mistakes or flaws, try the Wild Card Strategy. In Uno, the Wild Card allows you to take control of the game, no matter what the other players do. Similarly, this strategy helps you maintain control of the conversation and set the tone, rather than engaging in their manipulative game. Instead of getting defensive or justifying your actions, calmly acknowledge their comment and then steer the conversation back to the original issue. Say something like, "I hear you, but right now we're talking about this." This strategy empowers you to remain in control of the focus, and original intent of the conversation.
Mind Game 2: Simon Says
Have you ever had someone insist that they know exactly what you were thinking and feeling, even when they’re totally wrong? This is the second mind game a narcissist uses: Simon Says.
In Simon Says, “Simon” is in charge of everything you do. “Simon says close your eyes.” So you close your eyes. “Simon says touch your nose.” So you touch your nose. Then they trick you with something like, “Jump up and down.” And if you do that, you’re out because they didn’t say, “Simon Says.” The power of Simon lies in their ability to control your actions by making you doubt your own decisions.
This is similar to a narcissist’s mind game. The narcissist wants to control every move you make, just like Simon in the game, by telling you what you think and feel. They make you repeat their version of reality, effectively saying, “Simon says” before every thought or feeling you express.
If you don’t comply—if you don’t accept their version of your thoughts and feelings—you’re “out,” meaning they will gaslight you, accuse you of being irrational, or dismiss your emotions altogether. This tactic keeps you second-guessing yourself and dependent on them for validation, making it easier for them to maintain control over you. For example, if you say, “I feel overwhelmed with work right now,” they’ll say something like, “No, you're not overwhelmed; you're just envious of your manager.” In other words Simon says what you think. Simon says what you feel. And Simon puts you in your place with a strategically placed passive-aggressive comment. Where you may have hoped to share your experience or gain connection and understanding, you now feel invalidated and dismissed. And even worse, you’re left wondering if you really are wrong about your experience.
Tools for empowerment: Simon Doesn't Say Strategy
When you find yourself dealing with anyone who tries to dictate your thoughts and feelings, the key to breaking free is to stop listening to “Simon” and to start trusting your own judgment. To claim authority over your own thoughts and feelings try the Simon Doesn't Say Strategy.
Instead of accepting their version of your emotions, use a direct statement to assert your autonomy. Say something like, “I am quite aware of what I'm thinking and feeling.” This does a couple things, it lets them know that their tactic isn’t working, and it sets a boundary to let them know that you have sole ownership over your thoughts and emotions. It also reinforces your self-worth—by reminding you to trust your own feelings and to protect the right to have your own experience.
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Mind Game 3: The Shell Game
Have you ever tried to discuss a difficult topic, only to end up even more confused and frustrated as they deny everything and distract you with unrelated issues? This is the third mind game a narcissist uses: The Shell Game.
The shell game is where there’s a small ball hidden under one of three cups and you’re supposed to follow which cup has the ball. Sounds simple, but it’s a con designed to be deceptive and unfair. They use sleight of hand and misdirection to manipulate the game in their favor. By keeping you focused on the distraction, you lose sight of the ball and they win.
And this is similar to how a narcissist keeps you flustered. The narcissist uses a strategy of outright denial combined with distractions to exhaust and frustrate you. Just like the shell game, they shuffle the narrative so quickly that you lose track of the original issue. By repeatedly denying any wrongdoing—saying things like, “I didn’t do that,” “I didn’t say that,” or “That’s not what I meant”—shuffling ideas past you so fast, that it’s hard to focus on the truth and the lie. Then, they bring up unrelated issues or attack your known triggers, shifting the focus away from their behavior. Where you were trying to address their behavior, now you’re distracted, confused, and exhausted. And this is exactly what they want: to exasperate you so that you’ll give up on holding them accountable.
Tools for empowerment: Eye on the Ball strategy
When you find yourself in a situation where someone is shuffling through denials and distractions, trying to make you lose sight of the original issue, take control of this mind game by using the Eye On The Ball Strategy.
The ball, here, is the topic that you brought up. The original situation, behavior, or topic that you wanted to discuss. Whenever the narcissist tries to shuffle the cups, and denies or distracts, firmly bring the focus back to the main issue with a clear and assertive statement. For example, you can say, “I am focused on [insert topic].”
This strategy empowers you to cut through the distractions and maintain clarity, preventing the narcissist from derailing the conversation. It acts as a reminder to stay focused on the truth and refuse to follow their attempts to confuse and exhaust you.
Mind Game 4: Whack-a-Mole
Have you ever tried to discuss a vulnerable subject, only to find yourself suddenly being criticized and attacked?This is the fourth mind game a narcissist uses: Whack-a-Mole.
You know how in the Whack-a-Mole arcade game, moles pop randomly from different holes, and you’re supposed to be quick enough to hit them before they hide again. You spot one, and too late, you’ve already missed it. And then out of the corner of your eye, you see another one, and try to get it, but another one pops up on the other side, and now you’re distracted, and you miss both. The longer you play the game, the harder it gets because they pop up faster, more unpredictably, and in greater numbers.
And the narcissist uses the same tactic… keeping you on edge, hyper-vigilant, and in reaction-mode, distracting you until you eventually give up. If you bring something up, the narcissist plays the role of the mole, they’ll deflect any criticism and pop up to attack with blame. When you try to address that new issue, they deflect again, and then pop up with a new attack. The more you try to pin them down, the quicker they get at deflecting and attacking.
For example, if you confront them about breaking a promise. They might respond with, “I didn’t promise you anything. Why do you always need to judge me?” Or if you call them out for lying, they might say, “I didn’t lie. You’re making stuff up.”
Basically, when you get upset, they get upset at you for being upset.
This forces you into a defensive position, distracting from their original wrongdoing. You end up defending yourself and your actions, which not only deflects attention from the narcissist's faults but also induces guilt and self-doubt, making you less likely to challenge them in the future. It's a never-ending cycle, just like the game of Whack-a-Mole.
Tools for empowerment: Strategic Withdrawal
When you find yourself dealing with a narcissist who uses the Whack-a-Mole strategy, try the Strategic Withdrawal Method.
In the Whack-a-Mole game, the narcissist wants you to believe that you’re stuck in a never-ending game, keeping your focus on their attacks and distractions. However, the only winning strategy is to stop engaging and to strategically withdraw. When they try to deflect to a different topic, the first step is to bring the focus back to the original issue. For example, you can say, “We are discussing [original topic] right now.” Then, if the whack-a-mole continues, use the Strategic Withdrawal by stating, “This conversation isn't working. I’m done now.” And then remove yourself from the conversation by leaving the room, hanging up the phone, or ending the meeting.
This strategy empowers you to maintain control and avoid being drawn into endless diversions and attacks. It helps you stay focused on the main issue and not get caught up in their manipulative tactics.
Mind Game 5: Playing House
Have you ever been in a relationship where someone says all the right words that sound like they love and care about you but their actions tell a different story? This is the fifth mind game a narcissist uses: Playing House.
You know how when kids play house, they imitate the roles of adults without understanding the responsibilities that come with those roles? They might say, “I'm the mommy” or “I'm the daddy,” but it's all pretend, with no real obligations or consequences. Similarly, a narcissist uses the concept of love in a superficial way, saying the words of caring and affection but not following through with genuine, loving actions.
The narcissist pretends to fulfill the role of a loving partner, or parent, or friend to create an illusion of love and care, which keeps you invested in the relationship. They might even say, “I love you,” “I care about you,” or “You’re important to me,” but their actions don’t demonstrate real love or care. And then if you confront them, they’ll say something like, “How could you think I don’t love you?” Or “Why would you accuse me of not caring about you?”
This mind game involves the narcissist pretending not to understand basic connection, morality, cultural norms, and societal expectations. By playing dumb, they create confusion and frustration, making you question your own perceptions and judgments. This tactic allows them to evade accountability while maintaining a facade of innocence. This constant questioning of reality can erode your confidence in your own moral compass and decision-making abilities, leaving you doubting whether your expectations of love and care are reasonable.
Tools for empowerment: Action Truth Check
When you find yourself dealing with someone who uses words of love and care without backing them up with genuine actions, try the Action Truth Check to help you figure out what’s real and what’s pretend.
Instead of believing their words, observe their actions. Actions always tell the truth. This helps you determine whether they are playing house to manipulate you or if they genuinely care about you. For example, if they say, “I care about you,” but consistently ignore your needs, recognize this as a mind game to control and manipulate you, rather than being genuine care.And if this is a tactic, consider taking steps to protect yourself and to stop playing house with this person. This empowers you to trust your own observations and builds self-trust by giving you a fail-proof strategy to find the truth. Remember: You deserve genuine care instead of make-believe mind games.
so to recap…
combat the reverse uno with the wildcard strategy
combat Simon says with the simon doesn’t say strategy
combat the shell game with the eye on the ball strategy
combat what-a-mole with the strategic withdrawal method
combat playing house with the action truth check
Mastering the Action Truth Check is essential for anyone, especially those of us who struggle with self-doubt. But, now that you have a better understanding of the mind games that narcissists play, you need to learn the quickest way to test if someone’s a narcissist in the first place. So click this next to learn—The 5-Second Test to help you immediately know who you’re dealing with and how to protect yourself, making sure you’re always one step ahead.