Learn 3 types of questions that narcissists cannot answer. Learn why they aren't able to answer these questions, and how to use these questions to empower yourself in any conversation.
Have you ever wondered if there’s a simple way to expose a narcissist, just minutes after meeting them?
Whether it’s a boss or coworker, someone you’ve just met, or even someone you’ve cared about for a long time… there are three questions you can ask that will reveal a narcissist right away.
I've spent the last twenty years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor myself, I teach simple systems to help empower you in any situation.
Today, I’m going to show you 3 questions that narcissists simply cannot answer, explain why they can’t, and show you how to use these questions to empower yourself in any conversation.
Question 1: Vulnerability
If someone asked you to share about one of your deepest struggles, how would you answer?
Most of us, when we're in a safe space, can open up about our personal challenges. It’s part of being human. But this is the first type of question that a narcissist can’t answer: questions requiring vulnerability.
Vulnerability means being willing to share the truth about what you think and feel. In healthy relationships, vulnerability strengthens bonds because it shows you’re willing to admit your flaws, share your emotional experiences, and take responsibility for your actions.
Narcissists, however, cannot or will not do this. They either don’t know how they truly feel or they’re unwilling to tell the truth about their feelings. Admitting to anything that threatens the image they try to uphold is something they don’t allow.
Vulnerability questions are designed to expose the narcissist’s inability to admit to unflattering emotions like envy, insecurity, contempt or resentment.
The formula for this type of question is: “How do you feel when [image threat]?”
The image threat needs to be something that directly jeopardizes the way they are trying to portray themselves to you or others.
For example, “how do you feel when you’re not admired, someone else gets more attention, no one notices you, no one feels sorry for you, or you’re not the best at something?"
These types of questions set up a situation where a narcissist needs to lie to protect their fragile self-image, or evade and spin a narrative to further inflate their self-image.
But be careful. Narcissists are very good at faking vulnerability—however they are very predictable in the way that they do it. Just pay attention to what they say. If the answer to the question reinforces a self-serving narrative of grandiosity or victimhood—that’s a red flag.
Narcissist’s stories make them seem like a hero that’s conquered against all odds, or a victim of harrowing tragedy. They might even be able to squeak out a few tears. But don’t be duped. Narcissists cry all the time. But these are never tears of actual sadness. They are merely tears of self-pity.
This is easy to miss, if you’re empathetic, it’s common to project empathy onto others. However, if you’re paying attention, you’ll notice your reaction is different when it’s manipulation compared to true sadness. You won’t get teary, your throat won’t well up. Things will just kind of feel off. Trust this.
I once had a colleague who had an aggressive vendetta against her competitor who’d recently won an award. When I asked her how she felt about her competitor’s award, she came unglued. She screamed and cried, insisting it wasn’t fair. It was shocking and actually quite scary. Her reaction wasn’t one of vulnerability—it was a tantrum of self-pity. She wasn’t acknowledging her true feelings, of envy or disappointment. Instead, it was crafted to excuse her unreasonable behavior and to paint herself as the victim who’d been betrayed. This type of reaction is a big red flag.
So how do you check for this in your own life?
Tool for Empowerment: The Vulnerability Test
When you’re in a conversation and want to gauge whether someone is capable of true vulnerability, use the Vulnerability Test. This tool helps you see whether the person is willing to admit uncomfortable emotions, such as envy, or if they are trying to manipulate the conversation.
Start by asking a direct vulnerability question, like:
"How do you feel when someone else gets the attention you were hoping for?"
or
"What goes through your mind when others outperform you?"
Pay close attention to their response. A person capable of real vulnerability will acknowledge their discomfort or admit to unpleasant and difficult emotions. Their answer might sound something like, “It brings up my insecurities, or that’s hard for me,” or they might make a self-deprecating joke.
If they deflect, become aggressive or full of rage, offer a shallow answer, or spin the narrative to enhance a hero or victim story, this is a warning sign.
Keep your eyes open for future manipulation and remove yourself from the conversation.
Question 2: Superiority
Moving on… How do you usually react if someone has a different point of view? Most of us can listen, weigh in on ideas, and have healthy discussions, regardless of differences of opinion.
But this leads us to the second type of question that a narcissist can’t answer: questions that threaten their superiority.
A simple formula to expose this is: "What if I don’t agree?" This type of question directly challenges their need to be in control. Narcissists equate disagreement with a loss of validation or power, and instead of considering other perspectives, they react with defensiveness, dismissal, or hostility.
This question doesn’t even need to be said out loud, it can simply be a question to hold in your own mind when you’re trying to gauge who you’re dealing with. This type of “question” could look like offering a different opinion, or simply refraining from affirming their opinion to see how they react.
Narcissists thrive on being the person with the "right" opinion. To them, differing perspectives aren’t just another way of seeing things—they're a threat to their identity. While in a healthy conversation, people respect differences and accept that others may have different views, a narcissist sees these differences as an attack that must be neutralized or ignored.
This is why they react so negatively when someone disagrees. They frame all disagreements as an attack on their superiority. Instead of reflecting on other perspectives, they seek to dominate the conversation or dismiss it entirely.
Even covert narcissists, who may seem passive or non-confrontational, can't handle being challenged. They might not lash out openly, but you'll notice passive-aggressive behavior, such as subtle digs or shifting the blame back to you. Beneath the surface, they feel just as threatened as overt narcissists and use manipulation to regain control.
I used to completely miss this narcissist clue because of my own fear of conflict. Growing up in a narcissistic household, I was conditioned to avoid disagreeing with people at all costs. I was so focused on trying to be who the other person wanted that I’d completely forget my own point of view. I wanted to seem nice, agreeable, and diplomatic… which was a compassionate quality, but it made me very easy to manipulate. Instead of expressing disagreement, I’d suppress my own thoughts, hoping to keep the peace. Don’t make my mistake—when you constantly avoid conflict, you give the narcissist exactly the control they crave.
Tool for Empowerment: The Disagreement Test
When you’re in a conversation and want to gauge whether someone can handle a difference of opinion or if they need to assert control, use the Disagreement Test. This tool helps you see how the person reacts when their superiority is challenged.
Sometimes, the test can be as simple as saying, “I see it differently,” or “I have a different take on that.” My favorite response is to withdraw any approval and stay silent. Often, when you refuse to validate them, you’ll see an escalation, making it easier to spot their need for control and domination.
Look for patterns over time to see how they react to even the smallest challenges to their opinion or authority. A healthy response might include openness, curiosity, or a willingness to engage in discussion. But if you continue to be met with defensiveness, dismissal, aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior, that’s a red flag.
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Question 3: Accountability
So here’s a question for you: how easy is it for you to take responsibility for a mistake? Most of us here probably take more than our fair share of responsibility. But narcissists never do.
Which brings us to the third type of question that a narcissist can’t answer: accountability questions.
Accountability questions are designed to expose whether someone can take responsibility for their actions or if they avoid it to protect their ego.
The formula is: “Why do you [insert punishment] when there’s an issue?”
In this case, the punishment is going to be whatever behavior you see anytime they are avoiding accountability, empathy, or remorse. This could be that they withdraw, go silent, turn the tables, blame you, or ghost you when there’s a conflict.
Narcissists view admitting mistakes as a direct threat to their carefully constructed image of superiority. After being confronted, many narcissists employ a tactic known as DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
First, they deny any wrongdoing, refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Then, they go on the offensive and attack the person confronting them, often through insults, blame-shifting, or manipulation. Finally, they reverse the roles, making themselves appear to be the victim while casting the real victim as the offender.
Covert narcissists will be more subtle here. While they may not engage in outright blame-shifting or argument, they often use passive-aggressive tactics to avoid responsibility—perhaps by going silent, playing the victim, or offering excuses that redirect focus away from their own behavior. Whether overt or covert, the inability to accept responsibility is a key trait of narcissism, one that keeps them emotionally unavailable and prevents healthy resolution of conflict.
Most people miss this because they justify the behavior in some way. We make reasonable excuses for them because we can’t really wrap our minds around how they operate. Just keep in mind that narcissistic punishments are always a form of manipulation–to gain dominance and control.
I used to really struggle with this. Between my conflict avoidance and the constant threat of punishment, I’d do everything I could to avoid bringing up any issues. When I did bring up a problem, my ex would punish me with stonewalling, silent treatments, and sometimes even leave for days without explanation. It kept me on edge, terrified of making things worse. So instead, I’d take “responsibility” for the problem, trying to stay positive and hoping it would eventually go away. And this combo of conflict avoidance and enabling his behavior kept me stuck in this dynamic for years.
Tool for Empowerment: The Accountability Test
When you find yourself in a conflict or difficult situation and want to gauge whether someone is willing to take responsibility, use the Accountability Test.
This tool helps you see if the person is capable of owning their role in the issue or if they’re avoiding it to protect their ego.
Start by asking a direct accountability question, like:
"Why do you avoid discussing this when there’s clearly an issue?"
or
"Why do you withdraw or go silent instead of addressing the conflict?"
Pay close attention to how they respond. A person capable of taking responsibility will reflect on the situation, admit their role, and engage in the conversation to resolve the issue. They might apologize, show remorse, or ask for suggestions of how to improve.
However, if they respond with stonewalling, silence, or even try to reverse the blame, these are clear signs they’re avoiding accountability. Narcissists refuse to own their mistakes because it threatens their sense of control. They may change the subject, deny any issue, or punish you with withdrawal or emotional distance to dodge the conversation.
If they continue to avoid responsibility or become defensive, it’s a sign to protect yourself, boundary up and stay alert. But at that point, the narcissist will know you’re onto them.
And once they know you see through their facade, they quickly escalate, and if you don’t know what to look for and how to defend yourself, it could cost you your livelihood, your family, and your reputation. So click here next, to learn the three main tactics to expect when they know you’re onto them… making sure you're always one step ahead.