Have you ever been around someone where you can never do enough, give enough, or be enough? Where you feel guilty or selfish for having your own aspirations, and also subtly punished for not being who they want you to be?
If you’re a motivated high-achiever, yet struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, or find yourself trapped in codependent relationships or friendships, this information is crucial for your personal growth. A covert narcissist could be the hidden force keeping you stuck in a rat race that you can’t win. The subtle manipulations you've been feeling? They're real, and these traps are designed to keep you under control.
For the past twenty years, I've dedicated my life to researching self-worth and its deep connection to money and narcissistic abuse. I’m not only a coach, author, and teacher in this field, but I'm also a survivor myself.
Today, I'll share 3 weird ways that a covert narcissist keeps you poor, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to free you from these traps so you can have the money and life you deserve.
Trap 1: Manipulation Through Dependency and Pity
Have you ever felt guilt-tripped or manipulated about money by someone close to you? These patterns aren't always random; sometimes they're deliberate strategies used by covert narcissists to create a sense of dependency and control, affecting everything from your bank account to your self-esteem.
This is the first trap of a covert narcissist: their distinct way of manipulating you through dependency and pity. They target empathetic, caring, and hard-working people—like you and me. Then, they position themselves as needing your constant support, your money, your time, your effort, your attention, your help turning every opportunity into a moment to reinforce their supposed helplessness.
This could look like a parent who guilts you into caring for them, a partner who subtly hints they can’t manage without your financial help, a colleague who always has a hard-luck story when it comes to picking up the tab, or a friend who uses emotional vulnerability to lean on your wallet. This behavior isn't just seeking support; it's a calculated move to keep you emotionally invested and financially tethered to them, making sure you feel responsible, guilty, or selfish for wanting your own independence or questioning the balance in your relationship.
So, I have a lot of personal experience with this… going back all the way to when I was little. I remember feeling painfully guilty for wanting things and feeling overwhelmingly responsible for my dad’s finances. When you grow up with a covert narcissist as your primary provider, you learn this dance of thinking you, as the child, need to be the one to support the parent. And that needing or wanting your parent to provide things is an unforgivable sin. In my case, I felt that asking for something would not only open me to punishment, but also might cost me any hope of love or connection. In other words, to be loved, I needed to want nothing from him and to provide for myself.
Fast forward to dating and marriage, I just kept repeating this pattern. Always eager to give and never feeling safe to expose my own needs or desires. I was a hard worker and very driven to succeed. I thought it was just bizarre bad luck that I kept dating guys who lost their jobs, were unable to work, and who happened to be filing for bankruptcy. I didn’t realize that my eagerness to please, and perform, and give, and to provide in hopes that I’d get a couple little crumbs of love or appreciation was the behavior that led me straight into the covert narcissist’s trap.
Strategy for Change: Strengthen Your Emotional Defense
The key to coping with this manipulation is to strengthen your emotional defense, especially against toxic guilt and feelings of obligation. It’s important to understand that healthy relationships don’t feel burdened with guilt. People that love you don’t want you to feel guilty, they don’t want you to feel burdened, they don’t want you to do more than your fair share.
You’ll also need to understand the difference between sadness and self-pity. There are times where tragedy strikes, and people need help. They are actually hurt, and there is a real sense of sadness for their loss. And loss is the key word here. Self-pity isn’t about loss, it’s really more of a narcissistic self-indulgence. It’s about getting you to feel sorry for them so that they can use you.
To free yourself from this trap, start by asking yourself: Am I helping (or paying) because I want to, or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't? If you’re afraid of asking for them to pay for themselves, or asking for them to contribute more, or if the thought of ‘not helping’ feels like it would cause problems in the relationship, that's a red flag.
The first step is recognizing that it’s okay—and actually healthy—to prioritize your well-being. And if you do confront them about this, and they guilt you, criticize you, stonewall or punish you, it’s time to reassess. Change passcodes, close accounts, and do what you can to disentangle financial enmeshment.
Trap 2: The Financial No-Win Situation
Moving on to the next trap. Have you ever been praised by someone close to you for being ambitious and successful, only to later be criticized for those same qualities? This is one of the calculated traps set by covert narcissists: the financial no-win situation—where your success is both celebrated and condemned.
On one hand, they love that you're driven and capable of achieving great things. On the other, they resent you for actually wanting to work or pursue your goals, claiming it takes away from the time, attention, or resources you could be dedicating to them. It's a classic move to keep you unbalanced—constantly striving to meet ever-shifting expectations that leave you feeling like you're never enough.
This could look like: a partner who initially applauds your career success, then later complains you're too focused on work and not the relationship. Or, a family member who boasts about your achievements to others, but privately criticizes you for not being present enough, putting you in a spin-cycle of guilt for pursuing your ambitions. It could even be a friend who admires the money you make, yet resents you for not spending enough on them or accuses you of changing because of your success. These scenarios are not about genuine concern for your well-being; they're tactics to undermine your confidence and achievements, making sure that you remain conflicted between personal success and their approval.
In hindsight it’s easier to spot this, but in my experience I didn’t really recognize this when it was happening. What I did feel was that I needed to be careful about what I shared and kept secret. In my previous marriage, I instinctively knew that I needed to share only what made him look good. If he could look like he was part of something, or say he was there—like when I was on Oprah, and he was there as a guest—that was fine. It was something that he could use as currency to elevate his status, and that felt safe to me. But if it was something just for me, like a meaningful note from a client, or an exciting lead from my agent, or even something super simple like buying myself a sweater, I’d hide it away and keep it a secret.
Strategy for Change: Practice Discernment
To change the dynamic when dealing with the financial no-win scenario, here are a few strategies. First let’s start with what healthy love looks like. Love wants what’s good for you. When someone loves you, they are happy to celebrate your wins, they are not threatened by them. Your success isn’t the problem. You do not need to try to limit yourself, censor yourself, be smaller, or less of yourself to try to make someone else feel more comfortable.
Practice discernment when you share. Keep an eye on how people react when you share about personal success or loss. Covert narcissists will be interested in successes that can be used for their own benefit and they will be dismissive and critical of ones that don’t. If discussing your achievements leads to criticism, stop sharing details about your success or financial gains with those who use it against you. This doesn't mean you're not proud of your achievements; it means you're choosing who deserves the right to know about them.
Take your power back. If you are criticized about your success or financial focus, ask directly, "How does my ambition negatively impact you?" or "Why does my success make you uncomfortable?" This puts the onus on them to explain their issue, not on you to justify your achievements.
Trap 3: Linking Love To Performance
Moving on to trap #3. This last one is tricky because the ramifications are financial but the trap is emotional. If you struggle with imposter syndrome, or you’re uncomfortable asking to be paid what you’re worth… you might have unexpectedly already fallen into this trap: the belief that love and acceptance are rewards for your performance.
Covert narcissists are masters at equating your worth with how much you achieve or provide, instilling a deep-seated fear that failing to 'perform' could cost you their love or approval. And this constant chase for validation doesn’t just emotionally exhaust you; it has tangible effects on your finances.
This performance-for-love dynamic pushes you into a cycle of underearning and overworking. Why? Because when you're conditioned to believe your value to others—and by extension, your financial worth—is measured by how much you do, give, or sacrifice, you inevitably set yourself up for financial strain. You might accept lower pay, overcommit to work without adequate compensation, or avoid financial opportunities that could be deemed 'selfish,' all in the bid to prove your worthiness of love and approval.
What that looked like for me was that I would fill in the blank spots with any relationship—if anything was missing, I’d take care of it. I thought this was what love was made of: the continual act of picking up the slack in someone else’s life. And of course, with this strategy, you tend to attract the same type of person over and over. I used to joke with my girlfriends, “Give me a man with a decent job, and I’ll turn them into a broke loser who can’t pay the rent.”
It was funny… because it was true—several times over. If I took care of them, or paid their rent, or made them dinner, I’d never have to know if they really loved me or wanted me. Rather than asking for anything in return, I’d simply keep spending more and giving more—preventing me from ever having to know how someone really felt about me. Preventing me from ever having to face whether or not they believed I was worthy. Preventing me from ever realizing that I, alone, held the key to my own worth.
And covert narcissists love this. They want to keep you in this under-earning pattern so that you’re just manipulatable enough to be useful. And just successful enough to fund their lives. Which is why so many of us who have been in these types of relationships, or raised by these types of people, struggle to ask for what we deserve—in relationships and with money.
so to recap…
the 3 traps covert narcissists use to control your finances:
manipulation through dependency and pity: making you believe they will simply perish if you don’t financially support them.
the no-win situation: don’t be so successful that it takes you away from them but be successful enough to fund their life.
Linking love to performance: this is the product of narcissistic conditioning which puts you in a never-ending cycle of trying to constantly do things in their favor in hopes of getting some love in return.
If you want to learn how to feel comfortable asking for money, to feel confident in your value, and finally put an end to imposter syndrome…
I have a process anyone can follow that solves this exact problem and I turned it into a 90 minute workshop where we look at a solution that goes far deeper, to address the underlying problem at the root of under-earning, money anxiety, and imposter syndrome. This isn’t just another course. This is a step-by-step system based on 15 years of teaching money and self-worth… all condensed into a 90-minute live workshop.
We explore the deep connection between past emotional wounds, including childhood traumas and experiences with narcissistic abuse, and discomfort around earning. We go far deeper into how these past experiences unconsciously shape your views on self-worth and success, and how healing from them can unlock your true earning potential.
We tackle imposter syndrome, the fear of rejection, and the insecurities that hold you back from stepping forward. We also work to uplevel your self-worth by setting higher standards for what you’re willing to accept.
I’m so excited to share this with you, if you’re ready to uplevel your earning power, click the link below to learn more and book your space and I'll hopefully see you soon.