Discover the power of setting healthy boundaries in this eye-opening episode of the Meadow DeVor Podcast! Learn how to protect your self-esteem from the two biggest threats: codependency and emotional vampires. We'll dive into practical tips and strategies to help you regain control of your life and relationships. Don't let others drain your energy and happiness – it's time to embrace your true value!
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If you struggle with self-esteem, think you might be giving too much to others. And wonder whether or not boundaries will help you. The answer is yes. Here's the hidden truth behind these issues and the biggest threats you need to avoid.
Self-Worth Is About You
First, let's talk about self-worth. Self-worth is not other worth. It has the word self in it. It's about you. You build self-worth by valuing your self. Self-worth is built on a foundation of healthy boundaries because it's built on the idea of honoring and caring for yourself. Having boundaries means you clearly define what will be sustainable for you so that your resources don't get depleted. Self-worth is built by investing in self and broadening self and, and becoming a whole self. The opposite becoming selfless, becoming worthless, and low self-esteem, low confidence. That means you've lost a sense of self. And the more you lose yourself, the more susceptible you are to allowing someone else to take up that empty space left behind.
Codependency: A Devastating Loss of Self
So first, let's look at co-dependency, a chronic and devastating loss of self. When you're not able to answer clearly who you are, what you want, what you desire for yourself, but you're very capable of answering for someone else. It leaves you vulnerable to allowing someone else to answer those things for you. This exposes you to having someone else determine your identity, your desire, your needs, what you're capable of, and it causes an incredibly painful, dysfunctional dynamic and makes healthy relationships impossible.
This loss of selfhood leads to a bunch of compulsive actions and behaviors and a painful dependence on the approval of others.
When you lose that core sense of selfhood, you begin to search elsewhere for meaning, approval, and identity. Instead of seeing yourself as a whole separate contained self, you begin to look towards external cues to try to define yourself.
While there's no specific diagnosis for a codependency, there are a few warning signs that you might wanna look for.
Trouble articulating and sharing your feelings and beliefs.
An insatiable need to be liked or appreciated.
An exaggerated sense of responsibility.
Feeling guilty for asserting yourself.
Trouble with intimacy and boundaries, chronically prioritizing others over yourself.
A deep seated lack of self-worth.
All of these symptoms point to one underlying problem that you've lost your sense of self and someone else is taking up that space.
Emotional Vampires: Highly Insecure People Lacking a Sense of Self
Now we can't talk about codependency without mentioning who this type of behavior attracts emotional vampires. Emotional vampires are not exclusively bad people and they don't always have malevolent intentions. Of course, they can be abusive and vindictive and terrible to deal with. Some might even be straight up psychopaths or a sociopaths or have some kind of personality disorder.
However, a large percentage of them are just highly insecure people are attempting to get love in unhealthy and immature ways. So it's actually more helpful just to consider yourself and how you feel when you're interacting with someone.
Here are some of the warning signs to look for:
Their feelings, needs and desires seem more important than yours.
You feel guilty for not being or doing what they want.
You don't feel like you have permission to have privacy or boundaries.
You don't feel safe showing vulnerability.
While, it might seem like codependence are going to be the prey of emotional vampires, that neglects a core truth that both lack a healthy and stable sense of self. Neither emotional vampires nor codependents actually know who they are, what they feel, what they need, what they want. They've lost themselves. And both put an exaggerated importance on the opinion of others.
Codependents and Emotional Vampires Share the Same Goal
Codependents and emotional vampires share the same goal. They both rely excessively on others to define their identity and to help them feel loved and important. Both are unconsciously trying to boost their sense of self-worth by using another person. However, they have different strategies to try to get to that goal.
A codependent gives away their attention, their sense of self to try to get love, appreciation and acceptance. While an emotional vampire takes someone else's attention, appreciation, and love to boost their sense of self. When you're not able to articulate your feelings, advocate for your own needs, share your true desires, or communicate clear boundaries, you inevitably end up where there's no self to give.
The Only Way Out of Dysfunction: Boundaries
The good news is that to build self-worth, there is a way out of this, one that fortifies you against this dysfunctional dynamic and also prevents these kind of people from being attracted to you. And it's called boundaries. Boundaries are not about the other person. Boundaries are about you.
When you have healthy boundaries, you're able to show up as your whole self. You're able to experience true intimacy with others, and you're able to experience a sense of freedom in your relationships. When you have unhealthy boundaries, you feel stuck, helpless, overwhelmed, and resentful.
You might not need to change every relationship in your life however, you need better boundaries in any relationship that has any of these following symptoms:
You often feel frustrated or angry after interactions with this person.
You feel like you're walking on eggshells around this person.
You feel like you're going to be outcast or unloved if you're not doing what this person wants.
You often feel exhausted after engaging with this person.
You feel responsible for the person's feelings, thoughts, or actions.
You have a difficult time finding your center when you're around this person.
Definition of Personal Boundaries
The definition of a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area. It's both a line of containment, keeping you on one side and a line of protection, keeping others on the other side. Think about it like drawing a circle around you where you keep yourself inside the circle, and that's called containment, and you keep others out of your circle and that's protection. Inside the circle is your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual space. That's where others are not supposed to come in.
This is the space where you live. It's the space that you occupy. It includes all the aspects of self that you love, that you cherish, that you're trying to build. This circle is where self-worth is built and no one else actually belongs in that circle.
Boundaries are rules, clear communication about what works for you. When you're clear with your boundaries, no one is guessing about where that circle around you is.
Recap
If you think you might be dealing with codependency or emotional vampires and you wanna build your self worth and you know you need better boundaries, here's what you do.
Get clear on your role. Self-worth is not other worth. Self-worth is about self. You build self-worth by reinforcing your own value.
Reclaim your whole self. The more you lose yourself, the more susceptible you are to having someone else take up that empty space.
Anger wants to protect. So notice where you're irritated or frustrated, or you have that little agitation of anger. That's the clue that a boundary needs to be set.
Get clear on what boundary needs to be set, what needs to be protected, what needs to be kept in about you, and what needs to be kept out about others.
Take action to honor your boundary. Boundaries are about you. They're about behavior that you have to implement. So you take an action that honors, this is the line around me. I'm even stepping back from this line, or you're in my circle. I'm going to step back.
So you take action to contain anything within your line and to protect anything from coming into your circle.
Boundaries are a big topic and I have several videos planned, but I'd love to hear from you. Do you have a specific boundary question? Please let me know in the comments and I'd love to make a video to answer you.