Have you started to wonder if perhaps you show narcissistic traits? Maybe you've studied signs of narcissism and noticed that you also behave in a similar way sometimes? I'll outline 3 subtle differences that demonstrate you're not a narcissist, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any situation, making sure you always know where you stand.
Have you ever noticed that the more you research a topic, the more you might start to see patterns of it in yourself? It's a bit like 'medical student syndrome'—a well-known phenomenon where medical students begin to think they have the diseases they're studying. This can be especially true when researching something as nuanced as narcissism, where the traits of narcissists and their victims often appear very similar. If you find yourself feeling confused, misunderstood, or cringing about past situations trying to make sense of what happened: you might be wondering if you are a narcissist.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching the deep connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how confusing these topics can be. Today, I'll outline 3 subtle differences that demonstrate you're not a narcissist, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any situation, making sure you always know where you stand.
Sign You’re Not a Narcissist #1: Capacity for Empathy
Have you learned that narcissists lack empathy and then worried about your own behavior wondering if you seem just as cold and callous? This brings us to the first sign that you’re not a narcissist: your capacity for empathy. Let's look at the nuance behind this topic because it isn't always what it seems.
Narcissists display a fundamental lack of empathy, which means they fail to care, recognize, or respond to the needs and feelings of others. This often results in behaviors that are cold, indifferent, or dismissive. Contrast this with a paradox that might surprise you: sometimes, those of us with high levels of empathy can appear just as cold or detached. This isn't due to a lack of empathy, but rather from an overwhelming abundance of it. When you're an empathetic person like you and me, we can often find ourselves overwhelmed by the feelings and needs of others.
When you feel like it's your responsibility to always care, serve, and pay attention to others, you will inevitably hit a wall where you're out of resources to give. This exhaustion might come off cold or detached—but it’s not due to a lack of empathy. It’s due to shutting down for protection because there’s a lack of healthy boundaries. This is even more likely when you are caught in a dysfunctional or narcissistic relationship, the more you’re exploited or harmed, the more your empathy can lead you to act guarded or calculated as a way to cope.
In my past, I remember several relationships where I seemed ruthless, calculating, or cold. What’s interesting is that these behaviors surfaced in my most toxic relationships, where I lacked essential skills like setting boundaries, asking for what I needed, or having any sense of self-worth. Instead, I over-gave, over-extended, and people-pleased until I simply couldn’t continue. When pushed to my limits, rather than having difficult conversations, I’d avoid conflict by ghosting, blocking, or ending relationships altogether. This wasn’t due to a lack of empathy, it was because at the time, I didn’t have the skills to handle manipulation and to set healthy limits with toxic and demanding people
Tool for Empowerment: Empathy Self-Check
If you are wondering if you are lacking empathy, here’s a straightforward way to evaluate your actions using the Empathy Self-Check Tool. This method is especially useful if you often feel guilty for not pleasing others.
First, identify the situation. Think of a specific instance where you felt your behavior might have been perceived as cold or cruel. Next, analyze your feelings at that moment. What emotions were you experiencing during the interaction? Were you feeling overwhelmed, tired, or maybe frustrated? Now, reflect on your intentions. This step is crucial because it helps distinguish between protective self-care and genuine harmful intent. Understanding this difference can alleviate feelings of guilt and help you make more conscious choices in future interactions. Ask yourself: What was my goal in that situation? Was I trying to protect myself from emotional drain, or was I actually intending to be hurtful? And if your desire was to hurt the other person, ask yourself why.
Sometimes, our reactions to manipulation can be immature, not knowing the best way to set limits or to protect ourselves. This is an important aspect to consider as it helps us understand our actions and motivations better. Then, consider your empathetic responses in general. Have you shown empathy in other situations? Recognizing your capacity for empathy is important, even if it might not always be apparent in every interaction.
Next time you find yourself overwhelmed, use this simple script to help set your boundaries: "I need some space to process this." This statement allows you to take the time you need without resorting to behavior that might seem cold or cruel. It’s a clear, respectful way to communicate your needs and protect your emotional well-being.
Sign You’re Not a Narcissist # 2: Motive of Manipulation
Have you ever found yourself altering your behavior or adjusting your words to make someone else feel better, and then wondered if this was manipulation? This brings us to the next sign that you’re not a narcissist: understanding the different motivations behind manipulative behaviors.
Narcissists typically manipulate to control and influence others for their own benefit. This includes tactics like gaslighting, where they make someone question their reality, or leveraging guilt or affection to achieve their goals. Their manipulation is deliberate and self-serving. In contrast, when empathetic people manipulate, it often stems from a fundamentally different motivation. While empathetic people like us might outwardly agree with someone when inwardly we don't, laugh off a hurtful comment to keep the peace, or put on a friendly face to appear more likable, these actions aren't about deliberate deceit. Rather, they're often unconscious reactions to social pressures or personal insecurities.
This type of manipulation, though still self-serving, is significantly different from narcissistic manipulation. It comes from a desire to avoid conflict or discomfort, not from a need to exploit others for personal gain or to assert dominance. Essentially, empathetic people manipulate to maintain harmony or to protect personal emotional states, not to benefit at the expense of others.
In my own experience, having been raised by narcissists, I grew up believing it was my job to perform for others. I didn't clearly understand my own needs or desires. Instead, I focused on whatever I thought I needed to do, or whoever I needed to be, just to be tolerated. This behavior was completely unconscious and, although not malicious, it was still manipulative. I was constantly shape-shifting myself into what I thought someone else wanted me to be. Unfortunately, this made me a prime target for narcissists who wanted to use me, until I learned how to have healthy boundaries.
Tool for Empowerment: Authenticity Check
When you find yourself adjusting your behavior or words to make someone else feel better, and you're concerned this might seem manipulative, use the Authenticity Check to pause and reflect.
Start by trying to catch yourself in the moment—try to recognize when you're about to compromise your true feelings for the sake of peace or approval. To get better at this, practice being more mindful during conversations. Pay attention to physical cues, like tightness in your chest or sudden nervousness, which can signal that you're straying from your true feelings. Also, listen to the language you’re using: are you adding qualifiers to soften your opinion, like saying, “Maybe, I guess…” when you really have a clear point of view? Or, are you using phrases like “You’re right, but…” when you actually don’t agree? By becoming more aware of these signals, you can learn to pause before you automatically respond. In that pause, try to check in with what you truly think and feel about the situation. And then do your best to communicate authentically, aligning your words with your true feelings and perspectives. Once you’ve clarified your thoughts, use this simple script: "Here's the way I see it..." followed by your honest perspective.
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Sign You’re Not a Narcissist #3: The Need for Admiration and Validation
Have you ever found yourself seeking approval or validation from others, and then wondered if this was a sign of narcissism? This brings us to the next sign that you’re not a narcissist: understanding the difference in how the need for admiration and validation manifests between narcissists and empathetic people, largely due to the underlying motivations and self-awareness.
While narcissists and overly empathetic people are often attracted to one another, they aren’t exactly polar opposites. They both can lack a healthy sense of self, which drives their need for external validation. However, the way they seek this validation and the reasons behind it vary significantly. Narcissists aggressively seek admiration to reinforce their superiority and control over others. Their relentless pursuit of validation is deeply rooted in a fragile self-esteem that is highly dependent on others’ admiration to remain stable.
In contrast, empathetic people often seek validation as a way to feel connected and supported, rather than to dominate or control. While our actions might also stem from an unstable sense of self, our goal is more about building relationships and finding reassurance in social acceptance rather than asserting superiority. For instance, we might go out of our way to do things for others, not necessarily to manipulate, but rather to receive positive feedback that reinforces our self-worth. We might also share personal achievements or milestones in conversation not to boast, but to feel recognized and valued by our peers.
I have so many memories from my past where I was intensely needy for approval or recognition. I’d often make a point to share an accomplishment, or something I was proud of. In hindsight, this behavior might look similar to a narcissist’s quest for attention. However, the desperation I felt in those moments was real—I was just longing to be seen as worthy, to belong, or to be included. It felt like I had to hustle, to sell myself, to make a case for why I was worth caring for. This wasn't about feeding an ego or dominating others; it was about my struggle to find a sense of self-worth in the eyes of those around me.
Tool for Empowerment: Real-time Validation Check
If you find yourself seeking approval and you're worried this might be misinterpreted as narcissistic, quickly redirect yourself by using the Real-Time Validation Check.
First, pause for a moment to reflect on the dynamics at play and why you're feeling the need to seek validation from this particular person or situation. Ask yourself: "Why do I feel the need to seek approval right now?" and "Am I feeling insecure, manipulated, bullied, or belittled in this situation?" This step is crucial for identifying any negative patterns or behaviors from others that might be influencing your feelings of insecurity.
Instead of trying to sell yourself to win favor, use this moment to check in with why you feel uneasy. Think about whether this relationship is healthy or disrespectful to you. If you realize that your urge for approval is linked to feeling undervalued or attacked, this is a red flag. Take a step back and proceed with caution rather than seeking their validation.
SO TO RECAP…
CAPACITY FOR EMPATHY: WHILE NARCISSISTS LACK EMPATHY, EMPATHETIC INDIVIDUALS CAN APPEAR COLD DUE TO OVERWHELMING CARE FOR OTHERS.
TOOL: USE THE EMPATHY SELF-CHECK TO ASSESS INTENTIONS AND SET BOUNDARIES RESPECTFULLY.
MOTIVE OF MANIPULATION: NARCISSISTS MANIPULATE FOR CONTROL, WHILE EMPATHETIC MANIPULATION OFTEN STEMS FROM INSECURITY OR SOCIAL PRESSURE.
TOOL: EMPLOY THE AUTHENTICITY CHECK TO ALIGN ACTIONS WITH TRUE FEELINGS AND PERSPECTIVES.
NEED FOR ADMIRATION AND VALIDATION: BOTH NARCISSISTS AND EMPATHETIC INDIVIDUALS SEEK VALIDATION, BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS – DOMINANCE VS. CONNECTION.
TOOL: PRACTICE THE REAL-TIME VALIDATION CHECK TO DISCERN HEALTHY VALIDATION-SEEKING FROM TOXIC DYNAMICS.
Mastering the validation check is an important tool for anyone, especially for those of us who struggle with self-worth. But here’s the deal, narcissists are on the lookout for empathetic people just like us. To truly protect yourself, you need to become a narcissist’s kryptonite. So click this next to learn the—3 People Narcissists Cannot Tolerate, to make sure that you not only avoid narcissists but to actually repel them right from the start.