Picture this: You're at a crossroads. On one side, there's the option to stay in a relationship you've poured years into. On the other, the super scary unknown—leaving and starting over.
This is not an easy choice. It’s one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. And when you have children, the stakes are even higher. I never thought I’d be a woman who left her husband, who got a divorce, and who built a new life. But I am and I did, and want to share with you what I learned.
This Doesn’t Mean You Take Action
You might be a little afraid of what I’m about to say—thinking that if there’s definitive proof that your relationship is over, that means you have to end it. And that’s just not true. The first step is knowing… and I think you actually need to live with the knowing for a while before you take action. In fact, I’ll start by giving you the same advice I give my clients: and that is to stay as long as you can.
“Stay as long as you can.”
This type of decision shouldn’t be rushed. It’s complicated, and difficult, and you do not want to be in a position of looking back, especially if you have kids, thinking “If I had just done x, y, or z… maybe it could have worked out.”
My Personal Experience
I lingered at my own crossroads for years. I spent 17 years with him, there was never a day where I didn’t wonder if I should leave, when I should leave, or how I would possibly ever know when to leave. I was trapped in a cycle of questioning, of doubting myself, thinking that if I just tried a little bit harder, if I invested just a little bit more, I could make it all work.
Is It a “Him” Problem?
I worried that I was just unable to be happy, or that maybe all relationships felt this way. At first, I thought maybe it was a “him” problem—if he was just more available, or wanted to spend more time together, or if he financially contributed more, or planned more fun things… then maybe we’d be okay.
Is It a “Me” Problem?
Then, I moved onto thinking it was a “me” problem. So I tried really hard to just work on my thinking, try to be more positive, and coped with my sense of creeping despair by shopping, drinking, and seeking attention outside my marriage. I searched for answers, but no book, no therapy session, and certainly no amount of self-doubt could give me a simple answer.
Yet, every relationship book I read, every class I took, every therapist I talked to, always hinted at some magical moment of clarity. A sign. An epiphany. They kept saying, “you’ll just know when you know.” And that wasn’t helpful at all…
Now Happily Remarried
Now, many years later and happily remarried, it’s clear to me that sometimes you won’t “just know..” I didn’t even know what to look for at that time. It wasn’t like I had a solid base line of a good loving relationship to contrast my marriage against. I came from an abusive childhood and went straight into what I thought was at least a good-ish relationship.
Basically, I didn't know what I didn't know, and maybe you're in the same boat. If that's you, let me assure you: There is a way to get clear on what's best for you, even if you've never had a healthy relationship to compare things to.
How to Know When a Relationship Is Over?
Let me share with you three steps that finally gave me that clarity. These steps aren't about a magical 'aha moment,' but they do provide a roadmap for understanding what you should do next in your relationship."
Step 1: Accept Your Partner Fully—Stop Trying to Change Them.
This means that you stop judging, criticizing and wishing they were different. You stop hoping that they become a better version of who they are. You stop trying to change them to fit your idea of who they should be. You stop fantasizing about who they could become and instead surrender to this idea: who they have been is who they will be. This doesn't mean that you have to condone their behavior or that you even have to like their behavior. It simply means that you come to a place where you stop imagining a different future, and accept reality as-is. If you haven't accepted them fully, it is extremely difficult to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship because you're not in a relationship with them—you’re in a relationship with your idea of who they could be.
Step 2: Show Up Fully—Stop Trying to Change Yourself.
This means that you have to get to know yourself—and then you have to share who you really are with that person. It means you need to know yourself well enough to know who you are, what you love and what you want (in small ways and in huge ways). It means that you need to be living life as yourself. It means that you know your own opinions, your likes and dislikes, your personality quirks, your strengths and weaknesses. It means you show up as 100% you; the fully alive, fully engaged, you—not the trying to please, trying to second-guess, edited and curated shape-shifter version of you. If you haven't done this step, it's almost impossible to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship because the Real You isn’t in a relationship with them. Pretend You is in a relationship with them—and that never works.
Step 3: You Match or You Don’t.
When you fully accept them for who they really are AND you fully show up as yourself without any editing or filters, it becomes evident: you're either a match or you're not. Watch for feedback—are you on the same page or not? Are you accepted for yourself or not? Once you’ve done the first two steps, you’ll find out where the relationship really stands. You're either in alignment or you're not. They get to either meet you as-is, try to change you back (yuck) or they bounce (ouch). This doesn't necessarily mean that they have to be banished from your life. This means that you live with information for as long as you can while you decide whether or not this is the life you want to continue living.
So to recap…
accept your partner fully—stop trying to change them.
show up fully—stop trying to change yourself.
Accept that you either match or you don’t.
Once You Know, Then What?
In my story, once I accepted him as he was, my next step was to start showing up as myself. The feedback I got was belittling, teasing, and sarcasm. Once I saw him clearly, and myself clearly, it became obvious that we were not a match. I wanted a loving relationship and he did not. But that’s not when or why I left. I lived with that knowledge for a full year before I finally left. That final step came because I realized that he wasn’t just hurting me, he was hurting our daughter… and that’s what finally gave me the courage to do what had to be done.
To hear that story, read this next: Empowered: Life After Covert Narcissism, My Story