Learn a simple behavior hack you can use anywhere at any time, the surprising sources of manipulation in your daily life (it's not always who you think), the simple mistake that leaves you open to exploitation (and how to fix it).
Have you ever wondered if there’s a quick and easy way to make yourself un-manipulatable?
Well there is.
I've spent the last twenty years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor myself, I teach simple systems to help empower you in any situation.
Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic boss, a manipulative relative, or you’re simply wondering what to do when you meet someone new…
Today, I’ll share a simple behavior hack you can use anywhere at any time, the surprising sources of manipulation in your daily life (it's not always who you think), the simple mistake that leaves you open to exploitation and how to fix it.
Part 1: Psychological Triggers
First, let's define manipulation: it's a dishonest form of social influence used at the expense of others to achieve an agenda. In other words, it's deceit designed to control someone, usually in an underhanded way for personal gain.
Here's a surprising truth: the people most likely to manipulate you are often those closest to you or those with the most social influence over you. This could be family members, close friends, romantic partners, or respected figures like bosses or community leaders. Why? Because they've earned your trust enough to be close to you. They know your vulnerabilities, fears, and desires, giving them potent emotional leverage and social capital.
Manipulation can come in many forms, but for the purposes of our work here, I’m going to focus on the darker and more toxic type of manipulation that we see from narcissists—because if you can make yourself unmanipulatable to them, everyone else will seem easy.
So there are a few key points to understand here:
They lie to achieve personal gain at your expense.
They weaponize social influence.
What do narcissists hope to gain? Narcissistic supply—essentially, our time, attention, and energy. They feed off praise, sympathy, emotional reactions, and control over others to artificially boost their ego.
Their manipulation exploits our instinctual social fears—deeply ingrained psychological triggers that evolved to keep us in the group. Historically, ostracism meant death, so we developed these fears as survival mechanisms. These unconscious 'buttons' make us easy targets if we're unaware. It's important to understand that these fears are closely tied to our capacity for empathy. We care about other people’s feelings and our impact on them. However, narcissists, who lack empathy, don't respond to these fears in the same way. Instead, narcissists see these fears as weaknesses they can exploit for their own benefit.
Narcissists primarily exploit four psychological triggers:
Guilt—our empathetic aversion to causing harm
Fear—our desire to avoid loss or failure
Disapproval—our need for acceptance
Control—our preference for certainty over chaos
By pushing these 'fear buttons', they leverage our empathetic instincts against us. To become unmanipulatable, we must intentionally recognize these triggers and stop our automatic responses to them. This doesn't mean losing our empathy—it means being aware of how it can be exploited and choosing to respond differently.
Part 2: Choose Your Response
So how do you do that? By having a very clear line that differentiates you from someone else. A line that keeps you in, and others out. We use the term “boundaries” for this, but most people do not understand the core concept, and instead make a huge mistake that opens them up to even more manipulation. So I want to demonstrate boundaries in this super simple way.
I want you to think of a sponge, it might seem like it has a specific line. You can see the rectangular shape. You can see that it is a sponge. It’s its own thing. But when the sponge is submerged, it changes its definitive shape. It becomes heavier, saturated with the water around it. This is similar to a person without boundaries—they absorb the emotions, demands, and manipulations of others, losing their sense of self in the process.
Now, let's imagine a ping pong ball in the same water. Unlike the sponge, the ping pong ball maintains its shape and integrity. It floats on the surface, distinctly separate from the water. This represents someone with healthy boundaries. They remain true to themselves, unaffected by the attempts to manipulate or control them.
The key difference is not in the water (the manipulation attempts) but in the nature of the object itself. The ping pong ball has a clear line defining its boundary and the water cannot penetrate. Similarly, a person with healthy boundaries can recognize manipulation attempts and choose not to absorb or react to them.
I also want you to take a quick mental note about this ping pong ball. Is it mean? Is it selfish? Is the sponge “nicer”? Of course not, but these are the messages we get when we assert ourselves against manipulation. Narcissists will say you’re rude, uncaring, and selfish when you act like the ping pong ball. Again, weaponizing your social instincts against you. However, you’re only usable (and manipulatable) if you’re porous like the sponge. So, they attempt to weaponize your fears for their own gain.
Having healthy boundaries and a clear sense of self is as neutral as the ping pong ball on the water. It is not harming the water, it is not doing anything wrong.
Part 3: Change Your Response
So, how do we transform from a sponge into a ping pong ball? It's about changing our response to manipulation attempts. This is where the simple behavior hack comes in...
When I work privately with clients, we set up a channel where they have unlimited access to ask me questions. They can email, text, or voice message me as much as they want. And because I typically work with empathetic and caring people, they are usually hesitant to do this at first. They’ll say, “I don’t want to overstep.” Or, “I don’t want to cross your boundaries.” And that is all very kind and considerate, however, it points to why they have found themselves in toxic situations. In essence, they are taking responsibility for my boundaries, instead of theirs.
So this is what I tell them:
"You can't cross my boundaries, even if you wanted to."
I proactively define my boundaries through my actions. I control when and how I engage, keeping notifications off when I'm not working. My boundaries aren't about controlling their behavior—they're about my actions. I don't try to change what my clients do. Instead, I consistently act in alignment with my own boundaries.
This principle of maintaining clear, action-based boundaries is the core of true boundaries. They aren't requests or demands you make of others. They're about your own actions and your own responses. And this is what ultimately makes you un-manipulatable.
The biggest mistake most people make is thinking that they need to change the other person’s behavior. So they try to use words, explanations, requests, justifications to get the other person to do something different. And that never works—that’s equivalent to a sponge to try to change the water. You end up absorbing the manipulator's tactics and they thrive off of the attention.
That's why this behavior hack is so powerful: Set your boundaries through your actions, not your words. This allows you to be more like the ping pong ball—solid and impermeable to manipulation attempts.
Boundaries in Action: Real Life Scenarios
Let's look at some real-life examples of how this behavior hack works in practice.
Instead of trying to police someone that keeps calling too late, you can say, “I turn my phone off after 8:00 p.m.” Then set your phone to do-not-disturb so you’re not bothered. You change your behavior to create the boundary rather than holding them responsible for the boundary.
Or let’s say a coworker constantly interrupts you during focused work time, you can say, “I block out 10 a.m. to noon for uninterrupted work.” Then, you'd close your office door or put on noise-canceling headphones during that time, regardless of their behavior.
Another common example is worrying about family drama during holiday stays. You could book yourself a hotel, giving yourself a peaceful retreat each night, rather than immersing yourself in the chaos, hoping relatives will change their behavior to accommodate your needs.
These examples are just quick scenarios to give you an idea of what this looks like in real life. But please note, these are not one-time events. Every single conversation with anyone close to you, even when they’re not a manipulator, is a situation where you have to consciously choose to remain your solid sense of self. When you’re starting out, this takes a lot of mental and emotional strength.
And the most difficult thing is to try to assert yourself in a situation where you’ve historically had no boundaries. This doesn’t mean it can’t happen. It can and it should. But it’s hard. And it’s supposed to be hard. The energy you spend on the boundary will be tiring, but it also makes you stronger.
When I was first learning this, I was clunky and ungraceful and hoped that “boundaries” would just be an easy one-time thing. And this unrealistic expectation set me up for disappointment and overwhelm. So please know this is a long game. It will always take energy and stamina to hold strong against someone who wants to manipulate you. You’re making yourself into someone that can’t be messed with. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to take on water here and there. You’re going to get tired and wish you could just go back to being sponge.
And that is normal. But the more you consciously choose to invest your time and energy into your own boundaries, the stronger you'll become, and the easier life will get.
And if you keep doing this work, eventually there are no manipulators around you anymore because you’ve made yourself completely unexploitable and they’ll be gone. And when a new narcissist shows up, you’ll spot them from a mile away and repel them effortlessly.
If you want to learn more about this, sign up below and each week you’ll get a new 3-minute empowerment plan, including boundary scripts outlining exactly what to say in specific situations.
Tools for Empowerment: The Unmanipulatable Method
When faced with manipulation attempts, use the Unmanipulatable Method. This three-step process will help you transform from a manipulatable 'sponge' absorbing other people’s demands into a 'ping pong ball' with clear, impermeable boundaries.
The first step is to recognize the social fear being triggered by the manipulation. Identify which of the four psychological triggers they're trying to exploit: guilt, fear, disapproval, or the need for control.
Next, check in with yourself to determine what you actually want, desire, and feel. This step is about reconnecting with your true self. Ask yourself, “What do I truly want in this situation? How do I honestly feel?”
Take whatever action is necessary to protect the line that differentiates you from the other person. Set and maintain your boundary through consistent behavior, not words or arguments.
As you practice this method, pay attention to how you feel. If you're holding your ground, you'll likely feel a sense of empowerment, even if it's uncomfortable at first. If you're giving in to manipulation, you might feel resentful or anxious.
Remember, the goal isn't to control or change the manipulator's behavior. It's about consistently choosing your own actions, regardless of their tactics. With practice, you'll become more like the ping pong ball—maintaining your shape and integrity, no matter what manipulation attempts surround you.
Mastering boundaries is an important tool but now that you've learned more about narcissistic manipulation, you might find yourself thinking, “Wait... I think I do some of these things.” Don't worry—this is a common concern. So click here next—3 Signs You're Not a Narcissist—to understand the nuances between normal behaviors and narcissistic traits, and the 3 subtle but crucial differences that explain why some behaviors may look similar to narcissism, but aren't.