How does perfectionism affect self-esteem? When you strive to be perfect are you improving or hindering your sense of self-worth? In this episode, I answer these questions and more. Learn how self-worth relates to perfectionism, and why it often leads to a cycle of procrastination and paralysis. Learn how to recognize the perfectionist pattern, the mantra that I use to end the cycle, and the 4 steps you need to take to immediately build self-worth.
transcript
All right, today I want to talk about perfectionism. A lot of my clients and I think, I think. Almost everybody that struggles with self-worth, self-esteem, confidence issues are going to also struggle a little bit in the perfectionist category. So I wanted to kind of outline how these two play off of each other, and then what you can do to tone down your perfectionism so that you can build self-worth.
The Definition of Perfectionism
A perfectionist is someone who's excessively high in what they expect for their personal standards and then who's overly critical of their self-evaluation. Perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait, so you can end up in this feedback loop where you are trying to become perfect. However, all you're doing is devaluing yourself and driving down your self-worth.
So that's why I wanted to talk about this today because it seems like. Being a perfectionist is like, why wouldn't that be good? Why? Why wouldn't it be good to try to be perfect all the time? Well, Because one, it's not possible. And two, you're overly valuing this ideal. And the moment that you are invested more in the ideal over the true, you're actually devaluing your true self, you're plummeting your sense of self-worth, and you get into this feedback loop that is not good.
High Achievers v. Perfectionists
Now, I also wanna be clear that being a high achiever does not mean that you're a perfectionist. In fact, it's almost the opposite. High achievers have to learn how to let go of that too high of an ideal, and they have to learn how to actually work with who they really are, and that's how they end up achieving things.
Now, perfectionists, they get stalled out because the bar is so high for them and they're so critical. And it's all or nothing for them. It's, it's, I'm not, why even try, if I can't be perfect, why even put my foot out there if I'm going to fail anyway? So perfectionism actually backfires because this fear of failure leads to procrastination or complete paralysis.
Perfectionism Destroys Self-Worth
So this all or nothing thinking—instead of being satisfied with a job well done, perfectionists see almost-perfect as a failure, and that's the opposite of having self-worth. So a self-worth is like whoever I am, whatever I do, who I really am is worth time attention. It's worth honoring. It’s worth respecting. Perfectionists want to only respect this ideal this “when I absolutely am perfect.” That is the only thing that's worth loving about me or putting too much value on this outcome that they may or may not be able to get to. So because of this focus on their ideal image, they are reinforcing worthlessness. So please hear me when I say this perfectionist loop, even though the intention—and you know, we don't have these intentions to be mean to ourselves—you're not trying to be a perfectionist because you are just wanting to be cruel. You are striving for perfectionism because you think that's going to get you the good stuff, but the striving for that is what hurts, and it actually drives down your sense of worth.
Perfectionism Is About Fear
So perfectionism is really just a way to cope with fear. So, let me say that again. Perfectionism is just a way to cope with fear. So let me explain that fear, when it goes un unacknowledged is about control. It becomes about control. So if you're actually afraid, like there's a big bad wolf and outside my door, you're, you're understanding, okay.
There's a fearful situation and I need to protect myself. Something bad might happen. Yeah. But when you're. Feeling, fear and you're not acknowledging it. What it turns into is this, I need to control outcome. I need to control myself. I need to control the fails. I need to control how this works. I need to control how people see me.
And so this controlling mechanism behind perfectionism, Is just a way to cope with fear. So perfectionists want to control criticism. They want to control image. They want to control failure. They want to control situations. They want to control others. They want to control the outcome. And because they're so focused on that control.
This is why they become completely demoralized. This is why if you do struggle with perfectionism, it's so painful because it's like you can't even take one step forward because every single step forward is 99 ways you're gonna fail, 99 ways you're gonna be criticized, 99 ways you're gonna feel even worse about yourself.
Self-Worth Is About Acknowledging Reality
Self-worth on the other hand, is about recognizing exactly what you feel and knowing. That your feelings, your emotions deserve your time, attention, and energy. So let me just give you that side by side. When you're feeling fear and you don't acknowledge that you're feeling fear, you will flip into this. I need to control.
And the minute you're over in that situation where you need to control and you are trying to control life in a way that takes you toward an ideal image, you are 100% reinforcing. Worthlessness, you are not building self-worth. You are detracting from your self-worth. So to get out of that, you have to actually acknowledge what you feel.You have to feel the fear. You have to notice that you're feeling the fear.
4 Steps to Free Yourself from Perfectionism
So let me give you four steps for anybody who struggles with perfectionism so that you can be in that space. Click out of it. Not only get more done and probably achieve really what you're striving for, how, and while you're doing that, building self-worth.
Acknowledge your desire for control.
So number one, acknowledge the desire for control. Okay. Just when you're in that space of like, oh, I have to get this thing done, right? So like today, I'm wanting to make this podcast and the acknowledging for the control, oh my gosh, I want it to be perfect. I want it to be great. I want it to sound good. I want it to be useful for people. So that's acknowledging the desire for control and then, That controlling piece, you have to put that into the category of, that's my ideal image. Okay. That acknowledgement. Okay. Yes, I want to control all the things. All right. Hello. Ideal image, and then switch that to true self and true self. The opposite of controlling all the things is surrender, so you surrender on purpose and surrender on purpose doesn't mean give up, and it doesn't mean like just lay down.
It means actually giving the universe permission, giving your project permission, giving other people permission. To be what they are, to experience what they are. So instead of trying to control criticism, you surrender to the fact that there might be criticism. Instead of controlling your image, you surrender to the image is going to be whatever it is.
Instead of trying to control failure, you actually give permission. You surrender. To Sometimes things fail instead of controlling situations or others, you just surrender to the situation will unfold how it unfolds and others will participate or not, and the outcome will be what it is. So that's, that's the acknowledging the desire for control and then flipping it over to surrender. That's step one.
Give yourself permission to be afraid.
Step two, feel the fear. Now, how I do this and it, this sounds so basic, but it's so powerful. All I do is I say, I'm just afraid, and that's okay. So I acknowledge that, I'm afraid. That's step one. And that is really how you get out of that loop of wanting to control all the things. So I'm just afraid, and that's okay. That's your mantra. If you're a perfectionist, put this in your back pocket and just. Tell yourself that all the time. I'm just afraid, and that's okay.
Clarify the threat.
Step three, get clear on the actual threat. Okay, so in this podcast example, say that I'm flipping out and I want it to be perfect. What is the actual threat here? What that I sound dumb that I'm not useful. That somebody feels like they wasted their time. Okay. All right, so that's the real threat. Now, my true self. When I'm in that space of who I really am, I know that I'm doing this because I very much care. I very much want to share like, any strategy that I have learned to get myself out of pain, I want you to have it.
So, when I'm coming from that place, I realize it doesn't have to be in this per perfect package. All I have to do is really show up with the intention, give you what I have in the best that I can and, and move on and let you have it or not, and, and it lands or it doesn't, and I have to let that go. That's that surrendering piece. So the actual threat is typically for a perfectionist, it's typically going to be a threat to the ideal image. All right? So the more that you recognize, oh, it's just my ideal image being threatened, that's not who I am. And the more I focus on that, the worse I feel about myself.
That's kind of the loop you have to get yourself out of instead of thinking, oh, when I achieve perfection, then I won't be in pain. No, it's actually the desire to be perfect is the pain. And number four, you move from worthless, which is the focus on ideal image to worthy. Which is focused on true self.
Move into the Worthy Cycle.
So I talked about this in another podcast and I'll keep talking about the Worthy Cycle, the Worthless cycle. So Worthless cycle is really reinforcing this idea that the ideal image is important. The Worthy Cycle is about the true self being important. And so that step four is moving from worthless, focused on ideal image to worthy. Focused on true self and then taking action that reinforces true self. So that is where the Worthy project really comes into play.
It's about taking action. You can't just sit still. And so when you're in that perfectionist state, you are looking at. A mountain you can never achieve. You are looking at a high, the highest bar that you'll never get to because it's all about this ideal. And because of that, you become paralyzed. You procrastinate. You don't even start. And so of course that reinforces the fact that you're not good enough, that you have to be more perfect. And so you end up in that loop. Now, taking it over to the worthy cycle, it means you take a step. You take a step. Even though you know you're gonna fail. Even though you know there's going to be criticism, you just take the next step and you tell yourself, I just feel afraid and that's okay.
Recap Tools for Perfectionism
So, quick recap. Tools for perfectionist. Number one, acknowledge the desire for control, which is ideal image and surrender, which is true self. Number two. This is your mantra: I'm just afraid. And that's okay. Number three, get clear on the actual threat. Number four, move from the worthless cycle, which is focused on ideal image to the worthy cycle, which is focused on true self. And then take action that reinforces the true self.