Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a sinking feeling, despite no obvious conflict, as if something was off but you couldn't quite put your finger on it? What if that subtle discomfort was actually a sign, a clue to uncovering hidden manipulation? If you find yourself feeling full of self-doubt, emotionally drained, or replaying conversations to try to make sense out of what was said: you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.
I’ve spent the last twenty years researching the deep connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how difficult these interactions can be.
Covert narcissists can be difficult to identify in everyday interactions, but if you know what you’re looking for, they show up right away. Today, I'll give you 5 clues that’ll help you spot a covert narcissist in conversation, personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns, and actionable strategies to empower you in any conversation, making sure you're always one step ahead.
Clue #1: Fishing For Sympathy
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling drained because all you did was comfort someone, even though it seemed to go nowhere? This is our first clue to spotting a covert narcissist in conversation: the overwhelming tendency to fish for sympathy.
When you’re talking to a covert narcissist, you'll notice a recurring pattern: the dialogue orbits around their misfortunes. They use their sad stories to grab your attention, hoping to make you feel sorry for them—using the appearance of vulnerability to hook you into serving their emotional or material needs.
Anyone can have a bad day where they complain a little bit too much, or need a little extra support. But in a conversation with a covert narcissist, you’re looking for speech patterns that elicit pity. They don’t say, “I need to get a job.” They say, “I was forced out of my job and now I don’t know what to do.” There’s a clear slant that they are the victim with a subtle invitation for you to jump in and save the day. And this can be tricky when you’re an empathetic person like you and me… because we are naturally concerned when someone shares their hardships, we automatically want to comfort and offer support.
In my personal and professional life, I’ve learned to be very wary of anyone who argues for their own limitations. The person who wants help but gives me 100 reasons why they can’t be helped. The person who wants pity but argues against any reasonable solution. This doesn’t necessarily always mean they are covert narcissists, but it’s a sign for me to take a step back and proceed with caution.
Strategy for Empowerment: Seamless Share Test
When you find yourself in a conversation where the person seems to be fishing for sympathy, constantly talking about their issues or challenges, try the Seamless Share Test. A key trait of covert narcissism is a lack of genuine interest in your life unless it serves their purpose and this tool helps you check for this.
Instead of directly asking if they want to hear your story, seamlessly weave in your own related experience or emotion, such as, "That's tough. I had a similar experience where..." This tests their capacity for a two-way conversation. If they quickly shift the focus back to themselves, showing little interest in your shared experience, this is a red flag. Excuse yourself from the conversation with a polite but firm exit, such as, “It seems like you’ve got a lot on your plate. I hope things improve.”
Clue #2: Passive Aggressive
Have you ever caught yourself second-guessing a comment that left you feeling a bit off, almost as if there was a hidden sting? This brings us to the next thing you’ll hear in a conversation with a covert narcissist: passive-aggressive comments disguised as casual remarks. It's a sneaky way they undermine you while maintaining an innocent facade.
You'll hear them drop subtle digs or backhanded compliments about friends, colleagues, or even you. These remarks often come wrapped in sarcastic humor or faux concern, making it harder to pinpoint the negativity. For instance, they might say something slightly demeaning about someone's work ethic or lifestyle choices, suggesting they're 'just concerned' or 'making an observation.' This isn't just about voicing opinions; it's a strategy to subtly belittle others and elevate themselves without appearing overtly cruel.
Now, when you’re an empathetic person, this is easy to miss because you might interpret these comments as genuine care or humor, not recognizing the underlying hostility. When you’re wired to give people the benefit of the doubt, you’ll often overlook subtle signs of manipulation and belittlement.
A simple example of passive aggression? I used to hate going to restaurants with new people because I was embarrassed about my food allergies and never wanted to seem too high maintenance. To be fair, most people responded with empathy but I remember one guy, who announced loudly, “Oh you’re one of those people who needs to be special.”
At the time, I politely laughed and took it as a harsh joke. But now, after years of similar patterns with him, I recognize the intentional manipulation. This type of sarcasm, especially concerning something as vital as health, was clearly aimed to make himself feel superior by belittling my needs.
Strategy for Empowerment: Clarify and Observe Method
To quickly check if you're dealing with intentional passive aggression or just a slip, use the Clarify and Observe Method.
Empower yourself by pausing the conversation with a light-hearted clarification, like, "I'm curious, what did you mean by that?" This does two things: it gives the person a chance to explain, potentially revealing if it was a genuine mistake or humor gone wrong, and it puts them on the spot to reflect on their comment. Next, observe their response and body language closely. If they're a covert narcissist, they might double down on the sarcasm and tease you for being too sensitive. Or they might be defensive, dismissive, or insincere, possibly turning the situation to make themselves the victim, revealing their inability to engage genuinely.
If it was a genuine mistake, most people will respond with openness and genuine concern, offering a sincere apology or clarification, and showing a clear interest in making sure they haven't hurt or offended you.
If you’d like a copy of the tools I share, sign up below and you’ll get a new 3-minute empowerment plan every week.
Clue #3: The Savior Complex Trap
Have you ever found yourself feeling unexpectedly compelled to fix someone's problems, as if you were the only one who could help, even when it left you feeling drained? Let's talk about the third clue to identify a covert narcissist in conversation: The Savior Complex Trap.
This is when the person you're talking to subtly nudges you into a role where you feel responsible for their well-being, almost as if you're their designated hero. Covert narcissists excel at this, weaving stories and presenting problems in a way that you're baited into feeling that only you can understand or solve their issues. It's a manipulative technique designed to tap into your innate desire to be needed and to feel important. But here’s the catch: it leaves you drained and depleted, as it’s a one-way street where your efforts to help are never truly acknowledged or reciprocated. Instead, your kindness and willingness to assist are exploited to serve their endless need for attention and validation. Empathetic people miss this because we naturally focus on the emotions and needs of others, often at the expense of our own well-being.
In my personal experience, the red flag is what happens inside me. If I’m in conversation with someone and all of a sudden I start feeling responsible to help them, I have to check myself. This doesn’t mean that they are covert narcissists, it simply means I know that I’m easily baited into the savior complex. Even worse, if I start to pity them along with feeling like I can save them, this is a big warning sign that I’m falling into the old dysfunctional pattern.
Strategy for Empowerment: Reflect, Ask, Observe
To manage a potential Savior Complex trigger and assess the other person's intentions, use the "Reflect, Ask, Observe" technique.
First, pause to reflect on your urge to help: is it coming from a place of genuine mutual support, or are you feeling overly responsible for their well-being? Next, ask a clarifying question about their expectations for your role, such as, "How can I best support you right now?" This question shifts responsibility back to them, acting as a quick covert narcissism test by revealing whether they want genuine support or just want to exploit your helpfulness.
Finally, observe their response carefully. In a healthy conversation they’ll offer a specific, reasonable request with appreciation. But, if a covert narcissist is trying to bait you into a Savior Complex dynamic, they’ll respond with vague, escalating demands, more dramatic tales of hardship, or guilt-inducing tactics.
Clue #4: Contradictory Valuation
Have you ever been confused by someone who seems to admire you one moment and then criticizes you for the very same qualities the next? What does it tell you when someone praises you for something and immediately shames you for the same thing? This leads us to our fourth clue in spotting a covert narcissist in conversation: Contradictory Valuation.
Covert narcissists often exhibit an unpredictable mix of valuing and devaluing you within the same breath. One moment, they might express admiration for your success, subtly binding you closer with affection. Almost immediately after, however, they could criticize you for the very traits they just praised, such as working too much or being too materialistic. This hot and cold behavior not only keeps you off-balance, constantly trying to reconcile their conflicting views, but also serves their agenda by making you strive harder for their approval, all while they benefit from your resources or achievements.
When you’re a generous and kind person, you’ll miss this because our tendency is to empathize and support, which leads us to rationalize or dismiss the negative or confusing aspects of someone’s behavior. We focus on the positive, even if it’s inconsistent. This tendency to prioritize the good and overlook the bad blinds us to the manipulative tactic of being valued and devalued simultaneously.
I once had a friend who always struggled with her coaching practice and constantly asked me if I could send my waiting list clients to her website. At the same time, she’d criticize me if I didn’t make time for her phone calls, saying that I wasn’t a caring friend. I was simultaneously valued for what I could professionally offer her, while being devalued for any limitations I had on time. It was a never ending cycle being baited into a savior complex while being devalued and shamed for never measuring up.
Strategy for Empowerment: Priority Clarification Test
When you notice someone alternating between valuing and devaluing you, it's time to gently check their intentions. Use the "Priority Clarification test" by asking, "Which is more important to you: [the aspect they praised] or [the aspect they criticized]?" While most people won’t see this question as confrontational, a covert narcissist will most likely see this question as a threat because it shines a light on their manipulation.
Pay attention to what they say next. Most people might offer a clear, honest answer or express genuine curiosity about your perspective. A covert narcissist, however, may avoid giving a straight answer, get defensive, or even turn the conversation back on you, which can be a sign of their manipulative tactics coming to light.
Clue #5: Sensitivity to Criticism
Have you ever noticed someone withdrawing when faced with even gentle criticism, as if the mere suggestion of imperfection was too much to bear? What does it mean when someone reacts with defensiveness or outright stonewalling over the tiniest thing? This is our final clue for spotting covert narcissism in conversation, a subtle but pronounced sensitivity to criticism.
Covert narcissists typically see interactions in black and white: you're either fully supportive or you're completely critical. In conversation, you'll notice that covert narcissists may react defensively not just to direct criticism, but also to responses that don't fully validate their expressed vulnerabilities or hardships. If you suggest they can overcome their issues, or if you don't respond with the level of sympathy, pity, or exaltation they seek for their tales of woe, they're likely to see your reaction as criticism or direct threat.
Unlike grandiose narcissists who might react to criticism with outward anger or aggression, covert narcissists tend to withdraw, punish through silence, or stonewall, cutting off communication as a way to cope with and control the situation.
When you’re an empathetic person, you’ll naturally pick up on their sensitivity and you might unconsciously avoid saying anything to trigger this. You might know certain topics are touchy, or you might feel that you need to outwardly agree with their position, even when inwardly, you don’t. But this isn’t a healthy strategy because you need to be willing to share your point of view so that you can pay attention to how they handle it. You miss valuable information if you avoid conflict.
This is exactly what I used to do with my ex husband: a classic stonewaller. To compensate for the possible punishment, I did my best to completely avoid any subject that might trigger his insecurities. I remember once, when he was promoted at work, I made the mistake of congratulating him, not realizing that I had just gone against his wounded-victim narrative. To him, my mention of the promotion became a threat that I’d no longer be subsidizing his lifestyle.
Of course, he didn’t come right out and say this, he got angry and simply left. For hours and then days. Leaving me filled with anxiety to try to figure out what I’d done wrong and how to fix it. When he finally came home, he barely looked at me. And simply said, “I’m not built like you, I can’t live with this type of pressure.” And then he resigned from the new job. And that’s how deep the manipulation goes with a covert narcissist. They can make even good news into a problem or a threat, leaving you to pick up the pieces.
Strategy for Empowerment: Direct inquiry
If you find yourself being silently punished, tackle the issue with the "Direct Inquiry" method. First, pinpoint the problem by initiating a conversation with a clear but non-confrontational statement: "It seems like something is off. Can we talk about what's going on?" This opens a neutral door for dialogue. Most people will be open and appreciative, showing a willingness to understand the issue and work towards a resolution. They might share their perspective or feelings about the situation, seek mutual understanding, and collaborate on ways to improve the dynamic.
However, if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, they’ll deflect, maintain silence, or twist the conversation to make you feel at fault without addressing the actual issue. They’ll continue to use silence or emotional withdrawal as a control mechanism or to avoid accountability.
SO TO RECAP…
Signs OF covert NARCISSISM AND HOW TO COMBAT:
fishing for sympathy = Seamless share test
passive aggressive = Clarify and Observe Method
the savior complex trap = REflect, ask, observe
CONtradictory vALUATION = PRIORITY CLARIFICATION TEST
SENSITIVITY TO CRITICISM = DIRECT INQUIRY
Mastering the Direct inquiry is essential for anyone, especially those of us who are often uncomfortable with conflict. But here’s the deal, now that you know what narcissists say, you need to know what they DO. So click here next to learn—5 Ways to Spot a Narcissist Early, the behaviors that you'll see right away, so you can spot the narcissist early and make sure you're always one step ahead.