Gaslighting Explained
Have you ever felt confused, walking away from a conversation like you're not sure what just happened? Maybe you started doubting yourself or wishing that the conversation had been recorded so you could double check yourself. Maybe you've been wondering if you're going crazy or forgetting things.
If you've ever felt like this, there's a good chance you were being gaslit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your own sanity. It's a subtle form of abuse that can be very difficult to recognize, but it can have a devastating impact on your self-esteem.
Where Does the Term ‘Gaslighting’ Come From?
So why do they call it gaslighting? The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gaslight, which was turned into a film of the same name in 1944.
The story shows the progression of a woman who is slowly losing her grip on reality due to her husband's manipulation. He chips away at her over time, hiding things, lying to her, telling her she's sick or weak or tired. By the end, she's watching the gaslights in the house dim at night, and she believes him when he tells her they're not dimming. Instead of trusting herself, she believes she's gone totally mad. The story is chilling and frighteningly relatable almost a century later.
We still use this term ‘gaslight’ to mean deliberately and systematically destabilizing someone to make them doubt their thoughts, feelings, and sense of reality.
We still use this term ‘gaslight’ to mean deliberately and systematically destabilizing someone to make them doubt their thoughts, feelings, and sense of reality. So, how does gaslighting work? Gaslighting is related to something we all participate in, at least against ourselves.
Can You Gaslight Yourself?
The answer is yes… sort of. Let's first look at how your own internal pattern works:
When your mind wants to keep unwanted information hidden from your consciousness, it employs what's called defense mechanisms. Basically, it's a way to defend yourself against internal pain.
What Are Defense Mechanisms?
Defense mechanisms are normal and they're a natural part of psychological development. They are unconscious lies that you tell yourself to help mask what you don't want to see, feel or believe.
Defense mechanisms are your mind’s way of helping you avoid pain by masking reality with the illusion of: “This isn't happening,” or “What's happening isn't that bad.”
Gaslighting is when someone else tells you lies to help mask what they don't wanna see, feel or believe. It's when someone else uses a defense mechanism against you.
Gaslighting is someone else trying to distort your reality by denying reality saying, “This isn't happening,” or “What's happening isn't that bad.”
If you'd like to learn more about defense mechanisms and how they relate to self-worth, I cover this in my book, The Worthy Mind. It's available for free on Audible.
What Does Gaslighting Look Like?
Let's talk about what gaslighting actually looks like. The classic example is denial. If you're in denial, that's when you refuse to accept reality or facts.
It's when external events or circumstances are blocked from your conscious mind so that you don't have to deal with the emotional impact. For example, your friend might be in denial about her marriage even though she's found illicit texts on her husband's phone. That's an unconscious lie she's telling herself to help mask the pain of the reality—an immature internal defense mechanism.
Even though this type of defense mechanism helps her avoid pain in the short term, it causes enormous pain in the long term. Eventually, your friend will have to face the facts of her marriage, or she will continue to suffer.
Why Do Narcissists Gaslight You?
Now, when a narcissist or abuser uses denial as a way to gaslight you, they are using the same strategy—an immature defense mechanism—but they are using it as a weapon against you.
They are refusing to accept reality or facts and trying to block your conscious mind from accepting reality so that they don't have to deal with the impact.
They are using you to avoid pain in the short term and are completely willing to have you experience the pain in the long term. They would rather you suffer the impact rather than having to fess up to the truth.
For example, if you found illicit text on your husband's phone and he tells you, “You never saw that. That didn't happen. You're being too sensitive,” or “You're exaggerating.” Any tactic or strategy that is meant to distort, deny, or dismiss reality to help the abuser avoid what they don't wanna see, feel, or believe is gaslighting. Gaslighting is the signature tool of a narcissist because they live in a fragile shell of a reality where everything has to mirror back their own adoration, admiration, and self-importance. Since they live in a distorted reality, to them, you only exist within this distorted reality.
You're just an inconvenience that's threatening the fantasy, and this is why they gaslight you. Without your participation in that fantasy, they will lose what supply you give to them. It's good to know that even though this is an immature way of manipulating someone, these people are not stupid. They're not going to abuse you all the time. They will do it intermittently. They'll be nice to you for as long as they need to to ensure you're going to stay. But as soon as you begin to threaten the fantasy, they'll dim those gaslights and say you're seeing things.
Examples of Gaslighting: Phrases Gaslighters Tell You
Here are a couple of examples of what gaslighting sounds like:
They will tell you, “Stop being so sensitive.” What they really mean is: you're not in charge of what you feel, I am.
They will tell you, “That never happened.” And what they really mean is: I can't allow you to know that happened because then you won't keep feeding me the supply I need.
They will tell you, “You're being crazy.” What they really mean is: I'm being crazy and I'm afraid you're going to find out.
They will tell you, “You're overreacting.” Because the only appropriate reaction in their fantasy is for you to continue admiring them. So what they really mean is: any reaction that is your own cannot be tolerated.
They will tell you, “I was just joking.” And what they really mean is: your pain is a joke to me.
They will tell you, “If you loved me, (fill in the blank.)” What they really mean is: if you loved me, you'd let me abuse you without complaining.
They will tell you, “If you were just better in some way, smarter, prettier, more successful, I wouldn't have to do this.”
Why Gaslighting Damages Your Self-Esteem
Gaslighting across the board is terrible for your self-esteem, but this one really hits where it hurts and it's meant to. The gaslighter wants you to believe that you are inadequate. They want you to be in pain. They want to control you. They want to make sure that you can't threaten their little shell of a reality. And this isn't the only way it impacts your self-esteem.
Defense mechanisms are necessary and useful in coping with the inevitable pain that goes with being human. But when too deeply entrenched, they can keep you from accessing important aspects of reality that you ultimately need to face. Gaslighting is even worse because it's an external force that exponentially exacerbates these problems. When your opinions, needs, wants, are constantly put down, denied and ridiculed by another person, you begin to forget who you are and over time you lose touch with what you need for effective relationships and for strengthening your own sense of self-worth.
When someone repeatedly disregards, lies about, or distorts the awareness of your own experience, your feelings, your needs, your desires, you're not only at risk for losing your sense of reality, your actual experience of self is at risk.
They'll find subtle ways to put you down. And if you already struggle with self-esteem, you won't even notice because they're just reinforcing what you already believe about yourself. They'll go right to the core of your deepest, darkest beliefs about yourself. They'll use your insecurities to make you feel like you're dependent on them. If you do react, you're often told that you're being hypersensitive, exaggerating, or being neurotic.
What Does Gaslighting Feel Like? How Do You Know When You’re Being Gaslit?
For gaslighting to work, you actually won't be aware of it, but there will be signs when you're being gaslit. You'll feel confused. Your mind will spin. It'll feel like you're underwater or maybe in outer space. You'll be unbalanced, ungrounded, and you'll feel like maybe something's wrong, but you won't be able to put your finger on it.
You might feel slightly inebriated or high, like you can't concentrate or think clearly. Your mind is foggy and numb. You might feel dizzy or nauseous. You might dissociate or retreat into your inner mind, and you'll lose touch with the physical reality around you, and instead, focus on the confusing mental acrobatics trying to make sense of what's happening.
It kind of feels like you're in the matrix or in the upside down. And it might even feel euphoric because when you stop fighting to stay in reality and instead follow them down into that fantasy, succumbing to the gaslighting can feel weirdly like relief.
How Do You Protect Yourself from Gaslighting?
Gaslighting depends on your participation. This doesn't mean it's your fault or that you're causing it. It means that it's a dual fantasy and it requires you to engage with it even though your participation is unconscious.
Get Clear on your part
So the first thing that you need to do is get clear on your part. If you think you're being gaslit, ask yourself, “Why might I be participating in this? What truth am I trying to avoid and why?”
stay grounded in reality
Your next protection is to stay grounded in reality. You do this by focusing on physical senses—what you see, hear, taste, touch—rather than focusing on what you think or remember.
Do not try to convince the gaslighter
Do not try to bring the gaslighter over to reality with you. Narcissism and gaslighting are both based on dual fantasy, not on dual reality. Do not try to explain, convince, show proof, have the recordings, show the photos. That is a dead end, and they will flip it on you and gaslight you more. So save yourself and don't try to save them.
start telling yourself the truth
The more you lie to yourself, the easier it will be for you to be gaslit. The more you're able to accept and adapt to reality, the better you'll be able to withstand gaslighting and to be able to recover from the emotional abuse.
share your experience with a trusted listener
Sometimes you might not know the truth, especially if you've been gaslit for a long time. In this case, you need to reach out to a friend, a loved one, a professional, to walk you through what's true and to show you how to effectively distance yourself from threatening feelings without distorting reality. Never isolate yourself from people you trust. You need other people to help you break that pattern.
so to recap…
Get clear on your part
stay grounded in reality
do not try to convince the gaslighter
start telling yourself the truth
share your experience with a trusted listener
Gaslighting is only one of the many ways that people will try to manipulate you. Learn more about why people manipulate and how to deal with someone who manipulates you. Read this next: How to Handle Manipulative People.
