Uncover the subtle signs that distinguish authentic feelings from emotional manipulation. In this eye-opening video, we explore three proven strategies for identifying deceptive emotions, empowering you to set better boundaries in relationships. Your definitive guide to avoiding manipulation and recognizing true emotional expressions.
Transcript
Two of these show real emotion. Two of them don’t. Can you tell the difference? I wanted to find out if there is a way to spot the difference between actual sadness and fake manipulation, so I researched the signs and I’m going to show you 3 tricks to make sure that you’re never duped again.
Is it Real Emotion or Manipulation?
You might think you can easily tell when someone is truly sad or when they're just manipulating you. But, trust me, it's not always that easy. Let me tell you about something that happened to me..
For many years, I ran in person retreats for my students and clients. My job as a retreat leader was not only to provide a safe space for the people who had traveled far and wide to be there, but also to challenge each participant so that they came away from the experience inspired and transformed.
There are a lot of things that can go wrong at an event like this, but one of the worst things is to realize that someone is manipulating you for attention and wasting the time of other people who genuinely want to learn.
This meant that I had to get really good at spotting the difference between someone who was experiencing authentic emotion and someone who was faking it.
During one particular retreat, I had a participant, let’s call her Iris, who put me to the test. She would crumble emotionally during our group discussions, but appeared perfectly content during small group activities. It was like watching two different people. In smaller settings, Iris was social and engaging. But the moment we convened as a larger group, a transformation occurred.
After watching Iris switch so dramatically between emotional states, depending on the setting, I knew I had to figure out what was going on. So, I started paying closer attention, and that led me to my first trick for spotting the difference between genuine emotion and manipulation.
Trick #1: Consistency in Behavior and Context
Real emotions aren't something you can switch on and off like a lightbulb. They tend to be consistent, regardless of the audience or situation. If someone's emotional state varies too much, too quickly, especially in different social settings, that's a red flag. This inconsistency was the first clue that Iris might not be as genuine as she seemed.
Consistency can tell you a lot, but it's not the whole story. That's why it's important to also look at how someone responds when offered support or solutions. This brings me to my second trick...
Trick #2: Response to Support and Solutions
Now, this is where Iris really showed her hand. Whenever I gave her the floor in our larger group sessions, she would engage in what I call 'spotlight self-pity.' She would use that moment not for growth or mutual understanding but to draw all my attention and sympathy towards her. But here's the kicker—when I or anyone else offered her coaching or solutions, she’d dodge them like Neo dodging bullets in 'The Matrix.' She was more interested in leveraging my empathy than in actually solving any of her problems. She wanted the spotlight, but not the growth that should come with it.
Understanding someone's responses to support and a consistent emotional state can get you pretty far in spotting a manipulator. But sometimes, your gut reaction can be the most revealing sign. Which brings us to the next trick…
Trick #3: Trust Your Emotional Instincts
I tear up so easily when someone is vulnerable, real, raw, sad. The running joke at my retreats was that I’d start crying before anyone else did. Even if I don’t want to cry, it’s involuntary for me…I don't have an off switch for compassion. But with Iris, I felt... nothing. And it wasn't because I was having an off day. For the first time at any of my retreats, I noticed that instead of tearing up, I felt frustration, a sense of confusion, almost like I was being lied to. And this is the most important trick and sometimes the hardest one to rely on: if someone's story or emotions don't resonate with you—especially if you're usually an empathetic person—it might be because those emotions aren't genuine. Your own emotional response, or lack thereof, could be the red flag you need to identify a manipulator. Always trust your emotional instincts. They're more finely tuned than you might think.
In the beginning, I showed you four photos and asked you to spot which ones show real emotion. Given what you’ve learned, who do you think is faking it? Let’s discuss in the comments.
Oh yah, and to learn more about manipulation tactics, watch this next: Gaslighting Exposed: The Hidden Impact on Self-Esteem.