When I was 19, I’d just been accepted to transfer from junior college to a UC. The day before my move, during a going-away party at work, my boyfriend showed up unannounced. What followed changed my life forever.
Standing outside the office, while my boss and coworkers ate cake and pretended not to watch us through the window, my boyfriend asked, then pleaded, then begged me not to leave. He said, “You can go to college anytime, that can wait. But our love is once in a lifetime, and if you don’t choose love, you will look back on this when you’re 50 and regret it.”
He got what he wanted. I delayed college, moved in with him, married him, had a child with him. And… I ended up divorcing him 16 years later.
I thought I had chosen “love”... but what I’d actually chosen was a narcissist.
And now that I am 50, I do have regrets, but I’ve also gained insight and strength. Today, I'll share 30 years of hard-earned wisdom about narcissists: 10 beliefs I once held, and the harsh truths that shattered them.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #1
At 20 years old, I knew that I had suffered physical abuse from my parents but didn’t understand that my emotional scars were far worse than any mark left on my body. While most of my therapy and recovery was spent on the trauma of physical abuse, what was completely missed was the narcissistic abuse I endured. While I’m grateful for the help I received, I was still dangerously naive to the narcissistic abuse pattern, and had no idea that I was repeating the abuse pattern.
The first harsh truth I know now: narcissistic abuse is more insidious, more destructive, and more painful than any physical violence I ever endured. It left life-long scars on my sense of self-worth, shattered any hope of healthy boundaries, and made it nearly impossible to recognize and assert my own needs in relationships. This truth is what set me on the path of empowerment and healing.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by acknowledging the emotional pain you’ve endured. It’s valid and real.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #2
As I began to understand the depth of narcissistic abuse, I started to question why I kept finding myself in these situations. This led me to another misconception…
I used to believe that most people are generally good, honest, and loving. So I tried my best to focus on the positive in others and always put forth the nicest, kindest version of myself. I didn’t realize that my over-giving, people pleasing, performative kindness was a dysfunctional trait related to the abuse I’d endured.
The second harsh truth: being raised by narcissists trains you to be a perfect container for narcissistic supply. You become bait, and predators are hunting you. When you fit this pattern, you attract people who want to use you and want to hurt you. My performative kindness wasn’t genuine generosity; it was a learned behavior that made me vulnerable to exploitation. This realization was painful but crucial for developing healthier relationships and self-protection.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by examining your relationships. Are you constantly giving without receiving? It might be time to set some boundaries and prioritize your own needs.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #3
As I started to set boundaries and prioritize my needs, I realized there was another deeply ingrained belief holding me back. This led me to confront the next painful truth...
When something went wrong in my past marriage, I used to believe everything was my fault. I lived in constant hypervigilance, thinking I could prevent him from ignoring me. If he was unhappy I felt compelled to fix it. This mindset kept me trapped in a cycle of anxiety and misplaced responsibility. I constantly thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be ok.
Years later, in an Al-Anon meeting, I learned the 3rd harsh truth, the “3 C’s”: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t change it. What this means is that it’s not your fault. This realization was both liberating and unsettling. It finally dawned on me that the problem wasn’t entirely me—that his behavior and our dysfunctional dynamic weren’t solely my responsibility to fix.
If you recognize this pattern, start each day by asking yourself: “What’s actually within my control today?” Focus your energy there.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #4
As I learned to focus on what was within my control, I began to question my understanding of love itself. This led me to perhaps the most heart-wrenching realization of all...
Before my daughter was born, I had thought I knew what love was. I thought loving someone meant you were all-consumed by them, completely merged with them, without boundaries or disagreements. I thought loving meant focusing on their potential, holding onto who they could become. Of course, I couldn’t have known what love was… I had never been properly loved. It’s like growing up in the Sahara, thinking you know exactly how to navigate an Amazon rainforest.
Harsh truth number four hit me one night as I held my infant daughter. My love for her was so overwhelming, so fierce, so protective, so true. I asked myself… how? How could my parents have treated me that way? How could you ever hurt someone you love? The crushing reality: they didn't love me. It was never love. And even though this was a brutal truth, it allowed me to finally reframe my idea of what love actually means.
If you recognize this pattern, start actively looking for examples of healthy love around you. Observe friends, family, or even strangers who demonstrate respect, kindness, and healthy boundaries. These can become your new models for what love should look like.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #5
As I began to recognize and seek out examples of healthy love, I noticed something unsettling about how I approached kindness and generosity in my own relationships. This led me to confront another painful truth...
I used to struggle accepting kindness, because I was afraid I’d owe something in return. If someone was nice, I felt obligated to be their friend. A smile meant I had to be polite. So I tried to accept nothing, need nothing, ask for nothing. I didn’t realize that this transactional mindset was a byproduct of the narcissistic dynamics I’d grown up with.
Harsh truth number five: Kindness isn't a debt, and love isn't a transaction. This belief that you 'owe' people for basic kindness is dangerous and rooted in narcissistic manipulation. Narcissists exploit this trait mercilessly, using small 'favors' to demand excessive payback. They weaponize your sense of obligation to control you. In healthy relationships, kindness is freely given without expectation of return. You don’t owe anyone for basic decency, and anyone who makes you feel otherwise is likely manipulating you.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by accepting small acts of kindness without feeling obligated to repay them. Practice saying “thank you” without compulsively jumping to reciprocate.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #6
As I learned to accept kindness without feeling indebted, I began to see another way I had been complicit in maintaining unhealthy relationships. This realization led me to face yet another difficult truth…
I remember lying about my parents in 4th grade. When my teacher asked about the bruises on my legs, I told her that my mom and dad were nice people and that they didn’t mean to hurt me. Years later, I covered for my ex-husband’s drinking problem, his bankruptcy, and cruelty. I thought loving someone meant making them look good, spinning a positive public narrative while hiding the truth at home. I didn’t realize I’d become a classic enabler, keeping myself stuck in narcissistic abuse.
The sixth harsh truth: It’s not your job to make someone look good. It’s their job to be good. By doing the heavy lifting for my parents and ex, I not only prevented them from facing consequences but kept myself trapped in a cycle of feeling overly responsible and unable to leave. This pattern of covering up and enabling perpetuated the abuse and made it harder to break free.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by being honest about your situation with someone you trust. Breaking the silence is the first step to breaking the cycle.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #7
As I started to break my silence and stop covering for others, I was forced to confront the reality of my situation. This led me to a truth that was both terrifying and liberating...
When my mom was dying, I got on a plane alone while my ex stayed home to ski. I told myself, “It’s not that bad, I can handle it.” When I announced my pregnancy, he disappeared for days. Again, “It’s not that bad, I can handle it.” While I cared for our baby, he’d lock himself away, secretly watching porn. Still, I said, “It’s not that bad, I can handle it.”
It wasn’t until he planned a 'family trip' to an illegal pot farm that I realized harsh truth number seven: It is that bad. And I cannot handle it. This wasn’t about my personal feelings about pot; it was about willingly exposing our four-year-old to a potentially dangerous criminal environment for an entire weekend, just so he could score weed and hang with his buddies.
I could no longer normalize his reckless behavior and this is what finally led me to file for divorce and truly begin healing.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by keeping a journal of incidents that make you uncomfortable. This can help you see patterns and trust your instincts.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #8
As I finally acknowledged the gravity of my situation, I realized there was a powerful tool I had been afraid to use all along. This led me to confront a truth that would change how I approached every relationship...
Before that shocking event, I’d always thought that having disagreements, conflict, or even saying “no” as being ruthless, rude, or morally wrong. And of course I thought that! I’d been trained for thirty years to be as agreeable as possible by the echo-chamber of narcissists around me. In a narcissistic dynamic, you’re not allowed to have a voice of your own. You’re supposed to agree to their wishes, cater to their needs, and to keep the peace.
Harsh truth number eight: saying “No” is not only necessary, it’s healthy, kind, and also a moral duty. By being overly agreeable, I wasn’t just harming myself, but enabling and participating in harmful behavior. To start building self-worth, you have to have a sense of self. You can’t say “no” if you have no sense of self. Saying “no” helps strengthen you. It helps empower you. It gives you boundaries and edges. It’s an act of self-respect, a way to create healthier relationship dynamics.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by practicing saying “no” to small, low-stakes requests. Notice who honors your “no” and who pushes back.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #9
As I learned to say “no” and set boundaries, I began to pay closer attention to how people responded to my newfound assertiveness. This led me to a revelation that would forever change how I interpret relationships...
My whole life up until that point, I had always believed the words people said. My mom used to say, “what would I do without you?” hugging me tight against the bruises she’d left on my body the night before. My ex would tell me he loved me, after his betlitting sarcasm pushed me to the point of tears. And as always, I’d take it upon myself to try to make sense out of this—exhausting myself with mental gymnastics trying to justify and explain his behavior in the context of “love.”
Harsh truth number nine is what changed this for me: Behavior tells the truth. Words lie. After a lifetime of trying to make sense out of behavior that didn’t match words, I’d finally found what I could trust. Trust behavior, ignore the words. This helped me spot patterns, understand what was actually true, and empowered me against his manipulative tactics. This was a game changer.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, start by creating a list of actions that speak louder than words in your relationships. Use this as a reality check when words and actions don’t match.
Harsh Truth About Narcissists #10
As I absorbed this game-changing truth about actions speaking louder than words, I found myself face to face with the final, most painful false belief I’d been clinging to all along. The harsh truth that shattered it would ultimately set me free...
Before leaving him, I’d always thought that if I just improved myself, maybe he’d finally love me. If I was nicer, thinner, prettier. If I was more athletic. If I made more money. Always chasing a mirage, hoping that there was a possible future where I could get back to that guy outside the office. The one telling me to choose him, to choose love.
Harsh truth number ten: not only that he didn’t care about me… but that he never did, and never could. That whole song and dance he did outside my office to keep me from leaving for college? That wasn’t what I thought it was. It wasn’t romance, it was a lie. It was the idealization phase called love bombing. It was manipulation. It was fantasy. And there was nothing I would ever, could ever, do or be that would turn that into real love.
If you recognize this pattern in your own life, I am so sorry. This is a terrible pain to have gone through. Know that you're not alone in this experience, and that your worth isn’t determined by someone else's inability to love.
so to recap…
Narcissistic abuse is more insidious, more destructive, and more painful than any physical violence I ever endured.
being raised by narcissists trains you to be a perfect container for narcissistic supply.
you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t change it.
your Narcissistic parents didn't love you. It was never love.
Kindness isn't a debt, and love isn't a transaction.
It’s not your job to make someone look good. It’s their job to be good.
It is that bad. You should not have to handle it.
saying “No” is not only necessary, it’s healthy, kind, and also a moral duty.
Behavior tells the truth. Words lie.
not only that the narcissist didn’t care about you… but that they never did, and never could.
Now that you have a better understanding of harsh truths about narcissism, you need to learn the quickest way to test if someone’s a narcissist in the first place. So click this next to learn—The 5-Second Test to help you immediately know who you’re dealing with and how to protect yourself, making sure you’re always one step ahead.