Have you ever wondered why certain people seem to effortlessly resist manipulation? Or if there's some kind of secret force field that repels narcissists, signaling that you are not a person to mess with? If you find yourself wanting to “people-please”, feeling emotionally drained, or worrying about what other people think of you: a narcissist might be pulling the strings.
I've spent the last twenty years exploring the connection between self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who has faced these challenges firsthand, I know how tough these situations can be. Today, I'll share the three types of people narcissists cannot tolerate, personal stories to help you recognize these patterns, and strategies to empower you in any situation, making sure you're always one step ahead.
Person 1: The Truth Teller
Have you ever felt like you'd be punished for saying what's true? Or that you'd be ostracized if you don't go along with someone's lie? If so, this might mean you're the first person the narcissist cannot tolerate: The Truth Teller.
A narcissist lives in a fantasy world where they are wonderful, powerful, smart, beautiful, wounded, victimized—whatever their story of grandiosity or vulnerability is—they need you to validate and affirm that fantasy. They are looking for a high level of agreeableness that signals a willingness to conform or yield to their desires and narratives. They will test for this with small lies or exaggerations to gauge your reaction, revealing the truth teller right away. Maybe you raise an eyebrow, ask a question that digs a bit deeper, or flat-out challenge their lies—any hint that you will not comply with their narrative makes you a direct threat.
On the flip side, if you consistently agree and do not challenge fabrications, you’re seen as an easy target. When you're an empathetic person like you and me, we prioritize kindness, politeness, and flexibility to the point where our own truth may be overshadowed by the desire to accommodate others. This trait makes us particularly susceptible to being used by narcissists, who prey on our willingness to conform or avoid conflict. We miss the red flag because we have a natural desire to see the good in others. So we give the benefit of the doubt, sometimes to our own detriment.
So why would anyone go against their own truth? In some families, this is just expected. When my mom was in a rage, her favorite line was, “Are you calling me a liar?” Daring anyone to go against her. I was terrified of her wrath, so I would consciously agree with her, no matter how insane her accusations were. Being compliant and agreeable was a survival strategy as a child, but became a liability as an adult because it kept me stuck in a pattern of attracting narcissists. I had to intentionally unlearn my over-agreeableness, and over time I've found that being a truth teller offers a more formidable protection for me and those I love.
Combat the Narcissist: The Subtle Dissent Method
If you find yourself feeling pressured to go along with someone's fantasy or fiction, practice being the Truth Teller by using the Subtle Dissent Method. This technique uses gentle disagreement without being overtly confrontational. In a scenario where someone is exaggerating their achievements or distorting facts to garner admiration, a simple, direct, yet non-confrontational response could be, “I'm not sure that I agree.” This response is powerful in its simplicity. It communicates that you're not automatically buying into their narrative, yet it doesn't escalate the situation by arguing the point. Saying, “I'm not sure that I agree” serves as a clear indication that you think independently and are not easily swayed by their attempts at manipulation. It's a subtle way of asserting your stance as a Truth Teller, showing that your agreement or approval cannot be taken for granted.
Then… observe their reaction carefully. Most people are willing to engage in open dialogue or to consider your perspective, while a narcissist will often react with defensiveness or attempts to further manipulate. By using this method from the start, you're seen not just as someone who resists manipulation but also as a threat to the narcissist's dominance. They'll likely take steps to remove you from their influence, either by distancing themselves or—depending on your significance within their circle—actively work against you to protect their dominance.
However, if you start using this method with a narcissist you already know, be prepared for more manipulation and push back to see if they can get you to comply. If you hold the Truth-Telling line, eventually they will learn that you're no longer playing by their rules, and they’ll take action to remove you from their sphere of influence.
Person 2: The Steadfast Self
Moving on… Ever found yourself bending over backwards to meet someone's expectations, only to realize it's never enough? This realization might be your first step toward becoming the second person narcissists can't tolerate: The Steadfast Self. This person has a clear and unwavering sense of self. It means you know who you are and what you stand for. It means you know what you want, and what works for you. Having this steadfast self is the foundation where self-respect, self-worth, and healthy boundaries are built. Making you virtually immune to any manipulative tactics narcissists try to use.
A narcissist is always checking to see if you're someone who is willing to abandon yourself for them. They want to be the one to define who you are, what you want, how you feel about yourself, and how valuable you are. Narcissists do not have a stable sense of self. They need you to provide this for them, which means they can't tolerate you if you have a stable axis running right through your own unique center. They need you to orbit around their center.
When you have a flexible sense of self you're easier to manipulate and control. When you're unsure of yourself, lack self-respect, and blur your boundaries, you're more likely to be swayed by charm and coercion. A narcissist checks for this. It might look like a seemingly innocent comment that subtly invites you to prioritize their needs over your own. For example, if you mention wanting to spend the weekend working on a personal project, the narcissist might say, “But I was hoping we could spend more time together. You always seem so busy with other things.” This kind of statement is designed to make you reconsider your plans and values, subtly suggesting that your dedication to personal goals is a flaw or a sign of neglecting the relationship.
And when you're an empathetic person, you’ll miss this because of course you wouldn’t want to come across as selfish, disrespectful, or willing to neglect someone. And narcissists love this about you and use it against you—making you feel guilty, irresponsible, and uncaring when you try to assert anything resembling a separate sense of self.
In my personal experience, this didn't exactly feel like I was abandoning myself because you need a baseline level of self-awareness to even recognize that. Instead, I lived in a chronic state of self-forgetting. My needs, my desires, my hopes–-they weren't a part of my equation. Instead, I was always looking at others to try to figure out what they needed, who they wanted me to be, or how I needed to act to make them happy. I did not have an axis running through the center of myself, rather all of my senses were tuned to who I was with.
Combat the Narcissist: The Axis Check Method
To cultivate a more resilient sense of self during any conversation, especially with a potential narcissist, use the Axis Check Method:
When you sense yourself getting drawn into their world or starting to lose sight of your own perspective, first: pause. Check in with any physical sensations: your feet on the ground, your hands on a desk, this brings you tangibly into the present moment. Then practice self-remembering. The simple question, “What do I want?” will quickly bring your axis of focus back to yourself, reminding you that you are a separate person with different needs and desires. Next, communicate something that expresses individuation. Say something that highlights your unique perspective, clarifying that you are a different person with different needs and ideas. You could say something like, “I see it differently,” or “That doesn't work for me,” or “That's not something I want.” Pay close attention to how they respond. A narcissist may show irritation or dismissiveness toward your stated needs and boundaries, while an empathetic person will most likely acknowledge your perspective, showing willingness to understand or accommodate your viewpoint.
By using this method from the start, you broadcast a clear sense of self that narcissists find impossible to manipulate, eliminating you as a potential target of supply. But keep your eyes open: strong self-awareness and independence can spark rage in the narcissist. They can become consumed with envy because you have exactly what they lack: a solid sense of self. They might ramp up their tactics to test your resilience, using charm or guilt to sway you. This is a direct response to the threat you pose by not conforming to their control—coupled with envy of your self-worth. Stay strong and don't waver and eventually the narcissist will learn that you won't be used, and they will pull away and find an easier target. This doesn’t mean it's over, the envy a narcissist feels towards your self-respect could lead them to try to damage your reputation and undermine your relationships in an effort to reduce the threat you represent to their sense of control.
Person 3: The Assertive Empath
Have you ever found yourself feeling deeply for someone's situation, yet knew you had to voice your truth, even if it might cause discomfort or conflict? This combination of being empathetic and assertive is the third type of person a narcissist cannot tolerate: The Assertive Empath.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person, an emotional attunement that allows you to connect deeply with the experiences of other people. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is the ability to express your thoughts and feelings confidently and directly, while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. This convergence of empathizing with others while standing firm in your own perspectives and boundaries makes you an intimidating opponent to the narcissist.
This means you are able to maintain a balance between emotional sensitivity and personal integrity. You possess a keen awareness of other people's emotions, and are able to offer support and understanding without losing sight of your own needs and values. This combination allows you to engage without overriding others or being overridden by them. Your empathy allows you to discern the genuine feelings and vulnerabilities that a narcissist often tries to mask. Unlike those who might accept the narcissist's outward persona at face value, assertive empaths can intuitively sense the insecurities, fears, or unmet emotional needs hidden behind the narcissist's mask. The narcissist knows when you see through them, and they do not like this. Your ability to acknowledge and communicate what you see, threatens the narcissist's carefully curated identity.
So how does a narcissist check for this? They might make an unreasonable request or offer a criticism to test your reactions. For instance, they might criticize you for being "too sensitive" or infringe on your personal time, watching to see if you assert your boundaries or seek to appease them. When you're a manipulatable empath, you respond to their criticism by attempting to change yourself, apologizing for your sensitivity, or agreeing to the unreasonable request in an effort to avoid conflict and maintain harmony. This signals your vulnerability to manipulation. In contrast, when you're an assertive empath—you calmly affirm your sensitivity as strength and set clear limits on your time and energy. This signals that you're not manipulatable. Through small tests like this, the narcissist gauges whether your empathy leads to self-compromise, making you easily usable, or if it's balanced with self-assured assertiveness, making you a difficult target for manipulation.
When we're overly empathetic, we miss this because our deep concern for other people's feelings can overshadow our awareness of our own needs and boundaries. This intense focus on caring and healing can make it hard for us to see when someone is taking advantage of our kindness. So the trick is to stay grounded with a strong sense of self, while also being comfortable with a certain level of conflict. The real distinction between being manipulatable and not, is in your willingness to be assertive and face conflict head on.
For me, this came down to changing what I think I need to do to be loved and cared for. When I thought I had to perform, hustle, help, and serve to get love, I was easy prey to so many narcissists. Now, instead of thinking I need to effort my way to love, I think about it more as showing up as myself in the boldest and strongest way possible. Instead of chasing love, I stand my ground and check for mutual respect.
Combat the Narcissist: The Reflect and Assert Technique
A way to strengthen this blend of empathy and assertiveness, is to use the Reflect and Assert Technique. In any conversation, especially when you sense a potential for manipulation, listen carefully to what's being said but maintain your assertive stance by employing a simple yet effective script: “I understand where you're coming from,” or “I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.” This acknowledgment shows empathy without agreement. It's a nuanced way of reinforcing that, while you're engaged and empathetic, you remain distinct with your own thoughts, feelings, and decisions. Then, state your own perspective. Keep it clear and concise. Say something like, “Here's where I’m coming from…” or “Here are my thoughts on this.”
Then, pay close attention to their response. If you're dealing with a narcissist, you might see frustration or they might try harder to persuade you, seeing your firm stance as a challenge to their control. In contrast, an empathetic person is likely to respond with understanding or interest in your perspective, valuing the clear communication and respecting your separate viewpoint.
so to recap, if you are…
the Truth teller: use The Subtle Dissent Method
the steadfast self: use The Axis Check Method
the assertive empath: use The Reflect and Assert Technique
Mastering these techniques are essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy, but to really protect yourself, it’s best to learn what’s below the surface of their manipulations. So click this next to learn—3 Secrets All Narcissists Keep so you can reclaim your power, and always stay one step ahead.