Do you struggle with self-esteem and often find yourself giving too much to others? Are you curious about whether setting boundaries could help you? The answer is a resounding yes. Learn the hidden truth behind these issues and explore the biggest threats you need to avoid. Learn the importance of boundaries and how they can empower you to cultivate self-worth and maintain healthier relationships.

Self-Worth: It's About You

Let's start by discussing self-worth. The term itself holds a valuable clue—it's about "self." Self-worth is built upon valuing and honoring yourself. It rests on the foundation of healthy boundaries, which involve defining what is sustainable for you, preventing the depletion of your resources. Investing in and expanding your sense of self allows you to become a whole person, while neglecting yourself leads to selflessness, feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and diminished confidence. When you lose sight of your own identity, you become susceptible to allowing others to fill that void.

Codependency: The Devastating Loss of Self

One aspect closely tied to struggling with self-esteem is codependency—a chronic and devastating loss of self. Codependency manifests when you struggle to clearly answer fundamental questions about your own desires, wants, and needs, yet find it effortless to do so for others. This vulnerability opens the door for someone else to dictate your identity, desires, needs, and capabilities, resulting in a dysfunctional and painful dynamic that hinders the possibility of healthy relationships.

The loss of self in codependency leads to compulsive behaviors and a heavy dependence on other people's approval. As you lose touch with your core sense of self, you begin seeking external validation, meaning, and identity. Instead of perceiving yourself as a separate and complete individual, you start relying on external cues to define your identity. While codependency lacks a specific diagnosis, there are warning signs to watch out for. Here are some of the symptoms that stem from losing a sense of self and allowing someone else to fill that void.

Trouble articulating your feelings and beliefs.
An insatiable need for validation.
An exaggerated sense of responsibility.
Difficulty asserting yourself.
Challenges with intimacy and boundaries.
A deep-rooted lack of self-worth.

Emotional Vampires: Insecure Individuals Lacking Self

When discussing codependency, it's important to address the kind of people this behavior tends to attract: emotional vampires. Emotional vampires are not necessarily malicious or inherently bad individuals. While some may exhibit abusive or vindictive tendencies and may even have personality disorders including narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder. Whether or not they fall into the category of narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths—a significant portion of them are simply highly insecure people seeking love in unhealthy and immature ways. It's more helpful to consider how you feel when interacting with someone rather than label them with NPD, BPD, or labeling them as an emotional vampire outright.

Here are some of the warnings that you might experience if you’re in a relationship with an emotional vampire:

You feel that their feelings, needs, and desires are more important than yours.
You experience guilt for not meeting their expectations.
You don’t feel that you have permission to establish boundaries and privacy with them.
You feel unsafe when displaying vulnerability.

While it may seem like codependents are destined to become prey for emotional vampires, it neglects a crucial truth—both lack a healthy and stable sense of self. Neither emotional vampires nor codependents truly know who they are, what they feel, what they need, or what they want. Both excessively prioritize others people’s opinions, and they both have lost touch with their own identities.

Codependents and Emotional Vampires Share the Same Goal

Surprisingly, codependents and emotional vampires share a common objective—excessively relying on others to define their identity and provide them with a sense of love and importance. They both unconsciously attempt to boost their self-worth through another person. However, they adopt different strategies to achieve this goal.

Codependents give away their attention and sense of self to garner love, appreciation, and acceptance, while emotional vampires absorb someone else's attention, appreciation, and love to enhance their own sense of self.

Failing to articulate feelings, advocate for personal needs, express true desires, or establish clear boundaries leaves little of yourself to offer.

The Only Way Out: Boundaries

The good news is that there is a way out of this dysfunctional cycle. Building self-worth requires establishing boundaries that fortify you against codependency and stop them from being attracted to you. Boundaries are not about controlling others; they are about empowering yourself.

When you possess healthy boundaries, you can show up as your whole self, fostering genuine intimacy in relationships and experiencing freedom. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries leave you feeling stuck, overwhelmed, helpless, and resentful.

You might not need to change every relationship in your life however, you need better boundaries in any relationship that has any of these following symptoms:

You often feel frustrated or angry after interactions with this person.
You feel like you're walking on eggshells around this person.
You feel like you're going to be outcast or unloved if you're not doing what this person wants.
You often feel exhausted after engaging with this person.
You feel responsible for the person's feelings, thoughts, or actions.
You have a difficult time finding your center when you're around this person.

Understand Personal Boundaries

The definition of any kind of boundary—whether it’s a personal boundary or an emotional boundary—is a line that marks the limits of an area. It's both a line of containment, keeping you on one side and a line of protection, keeping others on the other side. Think about it like drawing a circle around you where you keep yourself inside the circle—that's called containment. It’s a line keeping others out of your circle—that's called protection. Inside the circle is your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual space. No one else should be occupying the space within that circle.

This is the space where you live. It's the space that you occupy. It includes all the aspects of self that you love, that you cherish, that you're trying to build. This circle is where self-worth is built and no one else actually belongs in that circle.

Boundaries are rules, clear communication about what works for you. When you're clear with your boundaries, no one is guessing about where that circle around you is.

If you suspect that you are dealing with codependency or encountering emotional vampires, and you wish to build your self-worth while developing better boundaries, here's what you can do:

1. Understand your role: Recognize that self-worth is not dependent on others but is about valuing yourself and reinforcing your own worth.

2. Reclaim your whole self: As you lose yourself, you become vulnerable to others filling that empty space. Focus on rediscovering and nurturing your sense of self.

3. Pay attention to anger: Irritation or frustration often indicate the need to establish boundaries. Listen to your anger; it wants to protect you.

4. Clarify your boundaries: Identify what needs to be protected within your circle and what needs to be kept outside when it comes to yourself and others.

5. Take action to honor your boundaries: Boundaries are about behavior and implementation. Act in ways that reinforce your boundaries, whether it means stepping back from certain situations or asserting yourself.

By recognizing the significance of self-worth, understanding codependency and emotional vampires, and implementing healthy boundaries, you can find your voice and take back your life.