You know those moments where you just are feeling insecure or ashamed, or maybe just not so confident? Maybe it's not a moment, maybe it's a day, maybe it's a year, or a whole decade? Regardless of how long it lasts, you can learn how to stop your self-worth from being negatively impacted, so that you can free yourself from a toxic cycle of shame and low self-esteem.
The Meaning of Shame and Toxic Guilt
Let's first delve into the feeling that compels you to hide. It's called shame—an emotion that often gets intertwined with guilt. Although shame and guilt have distinct definitions, for the purposes of self-worth work, it’s helpful to group them together. Whether you refer to it as guilt, toxic guilt, or shame, the core function is to alert you when you stray from healthy relationships and human connections.
Guilt arises from the acknowledgment of having done something wrong or bad, while shame stems from feeling inherently flawed or inadequate. Shame surfaces when you believe that you are fundamentally flawed, wrong, or not enough.
These two emotions feed off each other, as you start to believe that you engage in wrong actions because you are a bad person, which perpetuates a downward spiral. It's a common misconception that shame and guilt imply worthlessness. However, when you allow yourself to fully experience these emotions, they provide valuable feedback that can guide you back the Worthy Cycle.
Shame and guilt have evolved to facilitate the creation and maintenance of social bonds. Ignoring or repressing these emotions prevents you from receiving the essential messages embedded within them.
The Role of Shame and Guilt: Social Connections
Shame and guilt serve as indicators that a connection has been harmed and needs to be repaired. They prompt you to reach out, connect, and mend your social bonds. However, if you remain in a distracted state, whether you’re mindlessly scrolling on your phone, bogged down by a busy schedule, using alcohol or drugs to cope, or any other form of disconnection, you'll find yourself feeling isolated, lonely, and disconnected from the present moment and from others.
What Should You Do When Shame Arises?
To honor the presence of shame and guilt, you must take action to repair your connections and recognize your need for genuine human interaction. By doing so, you demonstrate respect for your authentic self and your physical body. Shame and guilt often manifest as a sinking feeling in your stomach—a slow, painful sensation that might make you feel torn apart or engulfed in flames.
When shame and guilt unconsciously influence your behavior, you might end up taking actions that are the exact opposite of what these emotions actually want. Rather than connecting, you withdraw, perpetuating a cycle where you remain disconnected from your true self and unable to form meaningful connections with others.
It's important to understand that when you feel like hiding, the underlying emotion and its intended message are the exact opposite of what you might want to do. In reality, shame urges you to reach out, making isolation the worst thing you can do in such moments. The urge to hide can be powerful. (Believe me, I get it!) However, giving in to this urge only feeds the vicious cycle. The second worst thing you can do is settle for artificial substitutes of connection, such as sending a quick text or browsing through social media. These actions only deepen the sense of disconnection because they lack genuine grounding in reality.
Break Free from the Worthless Cycle
The Worthless Cycle is a circular pattern composed of three stages: the story, the behavior, and the resulting reinforcement of that story. At the core of this cycle lies your preference for the ideal image over your true self. In this case, the story might revolve around the belief that you want to hide, leading to the behavior of withdrawal, and subsequently reinforcing the notion that you are alone and hiding. This reinforcement intensifies the shame and further perpetuates the story that you want to hide. Thus, the worthless cycle continues, spiraling downward.
The primary focus of the worthless cycle is the ideal image. If you weren't preoccupied with this ideal image, you wouldn't feel the need to hide. Your true self doesn't desire to hide; it's the belief that you must be better or different in some way in order to connect with others that drives this cycle.
Embrace the Worthy Cycle
Conversely, the Worthy Cycle operates in the opposite direction, serving as an upward spiral towards worthiness. It also consists of three stages: the story, the behavior, and the resulting reinforcement of that story, leading to the cultivation of self-worth. At the core of the Worthy Cycle lies the valuing of your true self above the ideal image.
Ideally, the Worthy Cycle begins with a Worthy Story—one that demonstrates that your true self is deserving of your time, energy, and effort. But when you feel like hiding, finding a worthy story can be challenging. If you can’t find a Worthy Story, you can "hack the system" and move directly into the Worthy Cycle by changing your behavior. Instead of fixating on creating a new story, focus on altering your actions.
Seek Genuine Connections
To move into the Worthy Cycle, you must change your behavior by seeking genuine connections. Ideally, you want to connect with another person in real life, but even if you don't have many friends or feel alone, there are still ways to do this. You can connect with animals or immerse yourself in nature. Don't underestimate the power of feeling connected to the world around you. Remind yourself that you are an integral part of the scene unfolding in your environment.
Instead of hiding away, withdrawing from life, and engaging in distractions, change your behavior to foster connections with yourself, the present moment, life, nature, and others. Even if you don't immediately recognize a new story emerging, simply moving into the Worthy Cycle through changed behavior already propels you towards a better story, better behavior, and reinforced belief that you deserve your own time, attention, and energy.
4 Steps to Own Your Worth and Stop Hiding
When you find yourself wanting to hide, this is what to do:
Remember that shame and guilt evolved to help you maintain connections with your community and loved ones. They act as signals to repair these bonds.
Recognize that every emotion serves a purpose, and taking action allows the emotion to naturally pass. In the case of shame, action entails reaching out and connecting.
Shift into the worthy cycle by engaging in different behaviors. Strive to connect with a human, an animal, or nature itself in real life.
Acknowledge that your need for connection is valid and deserving of your time, attention, and energy. Don't disregard or trivialize it—it holds significance in your life. The degree to which you feel like hiding corresponds to the degree of connection you require, so take ownership of this need.
Own Your Worth
If you’re feeling insecurity, shame, or a desire to hide, remember that these emotions, whether labeled as shame or guilt, are indicators that your connections are off course. They want you to repair and strengthen your social bonds. By understanding the purpose behind these emotions and taking the necessary actions to repair those connections, you can break free from the Worthless Cycle.
Value your true self over the ideal image, and transition into the Worthy Cycle by changing your behavior. Seek genuine connections with others, nature, and yourself. Recognize the power of your need for connection and honor it by devoting time and energy to cultivating and maintaining meaningful relationships.
Embrace your self-worth and remember that you are an integral part of this world, deserving of love, belonging, and connection. Don't let the moments of hiding define you; instead, let them guide you towards growth and greater self-discovery.