What happens when the very person you trusted to have your back, the one who was supposed to love you, provide for you, and protect you, instead… takes advantage of you, harms you, and robs you?
Today, we're diving deep into a question that's painful and daunting for many: could your father be a narcissist? It's a tough question, and one that can be difficult to answer. Narcissism, especially covert narcissism, isn't always as obvious as you might think. It's often lurking in the shadows, making it even tougher to identify, especially when you're dealing with someone who you love.
This topic is especially important to me because I’m not only a coach, author, and teacher in the field of self-worth and narcissistic abuse—I’m also a survivor myself. And what I’ve found after researching this topic for the past twenty years is that there is an undeniable correlation between struggling with low self-esteem and having been raised by at least one narcissistic parent. Low self-worth doesn’t just mysteriously manifest itself. It’s often something you’re taught, something you’re trained into, or even a byproduct of coping strategies that once served you. But here's the catch: those very coping mechanisms that were lifesavers in a toxic household turn into burdens in adulthood. These scars from our upbringing don't just fade away; they leave lasting imprints.
If you were raised by a narcissistic father, there will be unmistakable signs in your life—and we’re going to explore 5 red flags to look for and the types of struggles that you might be experiencing due this style of upbringing.
Before we get into these red flags, I want to emphasize that this isn't about blaming or pointing fingers. It's about understanding yourself and the dynamic so that you can heal and move forward. Education is the first step towards healing and reclaiming your sense of self-worth.
Red Flag #1: Wants the Center of Attention
Now, this is going to look really different between the larger-than-life grandiose narcissist and the more elusive and vulnerable-seeming covert narcissist.
For the grandiose narcissist, I want you to picture a father who enters a room and immediately becomes the life of the party. Not because he's genuinely entertaining or interesting, but because he demands the spotlight. He might interrupt someone else's story to share a supposedly "more exciting" anecdote of his own—like the time he "met a celebrity" or "saved the day" at work. These tales, more often than not, are exaggerated or even entirely made up.
If you had this type of father, you may have learned to stay silent. Or maybe you felt like there was never any airspace for you to talk. Instead you’ll remember his booming voice, talking over everyone, making sure all eyes were on him.
Let’s contrast this with the covert or vulnerable narcissist. This is the father who, instead of being bold and arrogant, constantly plays the victim. Instead of dominating conversations by tales of how great he is, he’ll dominate with stories of how he was harmed, how life is unfair, how he’s been mistreated, or how he’s a vulnerable victim—hurt, broke, sick, or ailing in some way. His vulnerabilities, his victimhood is what needs to be the center of attention.
Having a covert narcissistic for a dad might have meant your feelings or problems were often sidelined. For instance, if you came home upset about a failed test, he might've responded with, "Well, when I was in school, I had it much harder and no one was ever there to help me." Suddenly, your problem became about him.
Fast forward to today, when you’ve been raised by someone who demands to be the center of attention, you’ve been trained into taking the back seat. You’re probably uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, and you might tend to be conflict avoidant. Maybe you find yourself hesitating to share personal victories or stories. Or you might find it challenging to express your feelings or needs, often feeling they're not as "valid" or "significant".
Red Flag #2: Displays a Lack of Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It's a fundamental aspect of human connection. But for narcissistic fathers, you’re not going to see genuine empathy.
For the grandiose narcissist, you’ll see a father who seems indifferent or even dismissive of others' feelings and experiences. If someone else is going through a hard time, he might respond with comments like, "They just need to toughen up," or "I've been through worse." He lacks the capacity to genuinely console or even just be present in someone else's moment of pain.
With a father who’s a grandiose narcissist, if you were hurt or upset, he might've been the kind to say, "Stop crying," or "It's not that big of a deal." Over time, this can make you internalize your emotions, believing they aren’t valid or worthy of attention.
Now: Imagine you’re a teenager who’s going through a tough situation with a bully at school. You approach your dad, seeking comfort and understanding. Instead of offering comfort, loyalty or protection, a covert narcissistic father might side with the bully, dismissing what happened to you. Where a grandiose narcissist is threatened by your admirable qualities, a covert narcissist is threatened by your vulnerability. There’s only room for one victim in his world and that’s him. This arrogant coward would rather throw you back to the wolves to protect his fragile image of himself, than do anything to protect you.
As the child, already emotionally vulnerable, you’re left feeling isolated and invalidated. Your personal pain is brushed aside, and you learn that their emotions are secondary to your father's ego and self-image. You might even start to blame yourself for what happened, thinking that by being bullied, you are a disappointment.
As an adult, you may hesitate to share personal struggles or vulnerabilities with others, fearing that your feelings will be dismissed or turned against you. You might develop a habit of bottling up emotions or putting on a brave face, even when you're hurting inside, because you've been conditioned to believe your feelings aren't valid or important.
You might have developed a pattern of sidelining your needs for others or feeling guilty when seeking support. It can be hard to ask for help or even recognize when you truly need it because you've been conditioned to prioritize others' feelings over your own.
Red Flag #3: Uses Control Disguised as Concern
One of the most subtle, yet harmful tactics a narcissistic father can employ is concealing his desire to control under the guise of concern. This is especially damaging because it often confuses you into thinking that this controlling behavior is rooted in love and concern for your well-being, when in reality, it's about maintaining power and influence over you.
Imagine you’re a teenager eager to go on your first solo trip with friends. If your father is a grandiose narcissist he might aggressively oppose it, saying, "It's far too dangerous out there. I've traveled a lot, and I know how risky it can be." He might then brag about his own adventures and how amazing he was in those situations, making you feel inexperienced and incapable.
This trains you into doubting your own abilities, making you think you’re not equipped to handle the outside world without your father's guidance.
Now with a covert or vulnerable narcissist, that same teenager, excited about your solo trip, might be met with a response like, "I just worry about you.” or “That sounds awfully extravagant.” “I'm not sure you're ready. Why can’t you be happy at home?” Here, the covert narcissistic father is weaponizing past vulnerabilities to foster dependency or trying to avoid responsibility—like having to pay for the trip, or being inconvenienced by your needs.
Over time, this makes you increasingly unsure of your own emotions and abilities. You may begin to feel that you’re inherently fragile, always in need of protection. You might find that you constantly second-guess your own decisions or feel overly dependent on others (especially authority figures) for approval before taking action.
As an adult, you might struggle with trying new things due to a deep-seated fear of failure or vulnerability. You might often feel like you're "not ready" or "not strong enough" for challenges, even when you are.
When control is constantly camouflaged as concern, it makes it hard to tell the difference between care and manipulation. You are left in a perpetual state of confusion, always questioning if the love you receive is genuine or just another means of control.
Sign #4 Disregards Your Emotions
These are those times when your feelings, thoughts, or experiences are minimized, dismissed, or outright ignored. It's a soul-crushing feeling that leaves you doubting your own reality and your intrinsic worth.
Imagine a scenario where you come home from school after a particularly hard day. Maybe you were teased or faced a difficult test. You try to share your feelings with your dad, seeking comfort and understanding. Instead of listening, he brushes you off with comments like, "Oh, stop being so dramatic," or "Why are you always so sensitive? Other kids have it worse." These responses don't validate your feelings. Instead, they belittle them, making you feel as though you shouldn't have these emotions in the first place.
This can have devastating long-term effects. It teaches you that your feelings aren't valid, that you should bottle them up or dismiss them. It stifles your emotional growth and can lead to a slew of mental health challenges.
With covert narcissistic fathers, the emotional invalidation is going to be harder to spot. Again, remember that they want to be the only victim, so this might look like they are trying to cheer you up, or make you shake it off. Maybe he gives you a sarcastic comment, a condescending smirk, or just the cold shoulder whenever you try to express yourself genuinely. This can be really confusing because on one hand you might think he’s trying to make you smile, but on the other hand, you’re getting the clear message that your feelings don’t matter.
If you grow up in this type of environment, you often become a people-pleaser, always trying to gauge and cater to the emotions of others while neglecting your own. Or, you might swing to the opposite end of the spectrum, becoming emotionally closed off, fearing that expressing your feelings will lead to further pain.
If you've ever felt like you constantly need to justify your emotions or if you find yourself doubting the legitimacy of your feelings, this might be a sign that you've experienced this style of parenting.
Sign #5: Uses Love as a Manipulative Tool
While emotional invalidation cuts deep, another trait that leaves lasting scars is the weaponization of love. Love, especially from a parent, should be something you can rely on. It should be a given, offering you a foundation of self-worth and tools for building healthy relationships. But with a narcissist, love is a tool, a bargaining chip.
Picture that you're a teenager who's been accepted into a few colleges and you’re ecstatic to share the news with your dad. A grandiose narcissistic father might react with, "If you really cared about this family, you'd choose the college closer to home instead of the one you want." Here, he's twisting the notion of familial love and loyalty to manipulate your choices, making you feel guilty for pursuing your own dreams and happiness.
Now, imagine that you’ve just experienced a breakup with your first true love. You’re devastated and seek comfort from your dad. A covert narcissistic father might reply with a sigh, "Can’t you find a way to work it out? This is really hard on me." My own father, when I called him heartbroken after filing for divorce said, “Well… I guess I’ll still love you. But, I really liked him.” Instead of offering comfort, covert narcissist fathers weaponize heartbreak and make themselves the victim. Their message is clear: "You are not as important as me.”
When love is used as a manipulative tool rather than genuine care, the emotional toll is huge. It robs you of a clear understanding about what love is supposed to be like, look like, feel like. You don’t have the knowledge, skills, or the tools to even imagine a healthy relationship, let alone to create one. And this means that you most often end up repeating the pattern again and again in your adult relationships. To hear my story about how I repeated these patterns, and what finally woke me up and helped me recover… watch this next—Escaped: Life After Covert Narcissistic Abuse