Maybe you know exactly how it feels to be insecure, self-conscious, or to struggle with your self-esteem. But do you even know what the goal is? Or how it might feel to truly value yourself? In this quick episode I give you an easy way to think about self-worth and walk you through an example of what this looks like at a dinner party.
Transcript
So today I wanna knock out what self-worth actually is because I think so many of my clients and readers. They imagine that self-worth is something that it's not. So you know how when you go to a dinner party where you don't know very many people and that feeling of feeling self-conscious or insecure, um, and you might tell yourself, oh man, you know, if I had self-worth, I wouldn't feel insecure.
Self-Worth Doesn’t Erase Insecurity
That's not true. Insecurity or self consciousness is just being conscious of yourself. So self worth is actually valuing yourself, knowing that you have value, knowing that you are worth something. So in the Worthy Project, let me orient it to you. I say worthiness is the quality of deserving attention, energy, and respect.
So the quality of deserving. Attention, energy, and respect. So that doesn't mean that you do have attention, it doesn't mean that people are giving you energy and respect. It means that you have the quality and that you know you deserve that, or you know that you're valuable enough to have that. So I talk about self-worth kind of, uh, I mean, honestly, when I'm working with a client, I tell them it's kind of like holding plank.
Self-Worth Takes Strength
Self-worth feels like that. It is not this like, oh my God, I'm so amazing. Look how beautiful I am. I'm amazing at everything I do it. It feels much more like plank position, like that high pushup position, and you're just holding it. And what you're holding it against is the buckling into making other people's feelings, thoughts, goals, more important than your.
And so it's, it's holding that I am valuable here and I'm going to hold my value without shoveling it towards somebody else. So for instance, say, you know, you're really worried about your kids. And so you, you give and you give and you give and you think, and you think, and you think, and you give all of this energy of, or self, you know, the currency of self out to this idea and.
You lose value. Believe it or not. You lose self-worth by doing that if you have forgotten yourself in in the meantime. So to build self-worth, you have to actually be conscious of self, not in an insecure way, but you have to be. Conscious of your true self, who you really are, what you really want, what you feel, what you think.
So you could, let's put you back in that party. We're, we're sitting next to each other and we're both feeling that self-conscious feeling. So what does the antidote to that and what does self-worth feel like? It feels like I am, I have the quality I am. Energy, time and respect rather than, oh God, I hope so-and-so sees me like this, or, I hope so-and-so sees me like that, or I hope they like me, or I hope I appear nice, or I hope I sound smart, or I hope I seem likable.
Self-Worth Takes Courage
It's more as you are that that feeling of holding plank position as I am, I am worth knowing. As I am, I am worth having a conversation with as I am. I am worth just sitting here also and not having to do any kind of song and dance to please people. So it's more like that. Often I'll tell people that what it feels like isn't.
This great feeling. It's just the lack of the painful feeling. So if you can go back to that idea of like, that insecure feeling, you know, that's a really, ugh, just sticky, sticky, yucky feeling. Self-worth feels like that's just gone. So it's not really a thing. It's not really a, a tangible feeling or a tangible.
Expression of how you're living. It's more that all the static is gone, the insecurity's gone, the self-consciousness is gone, the worthlessness is gone, so the quality of deserving energy. Attention and respect. So attention means literally thinking about yourself. You, you deserve to think about yourself, to know yourself.
You deserve to give yourself energy, to keep energy without giving it to others. Unless you have extra, you deserve respect. And so it's, it's just that simple way of walking through the world, knowing not that everybody's going to like you. You don't need that. Not that everybody's gonna think you're fabulous, you don't need that.
It's more that you are this neutral way of being in the world that deserve just to take up space. And believe me, I. Maybe if you're like me, that's impossible to even imagine because it was so, so, so hard for me, um, to feel like that or even imagine that. So when I used to go to a dinner party or a party or anywhere, what I would mostly be focused on is, how can I impress, oh, good lord.
I spent so much time trying to impress people, thinking about ways to impress, trying to be smart, witty, funny, pretty. Happy, you know, whatever. I was constantly trying to put out this image that would be likable. Um, so I would feel exhausted. I would also feel very, um, like I'm watching constantly, like I had a thousand different sensory detectors on me to see like, am I doing well?
Free Yourself from Self-Consciousness
Are they liking me? Am I not, you know, how do I need to, do I need to dance faster? Do I need to talk slower? You know, like, how do I make these people like me and. Um, or I would walk in thinking they're not gonna like me, or they're not going to be nice to me, or they're going to see like how flawed I am or how, I mean, really, like the worst part of, of my life in as far as worthlessness was after getting a divorce and, and feeling so broken.
I. Remember actually going back and reading the Scarlet Lever letter because that's what I felt like. I felt like Hester Print. I felt like I had a big letter on my chest that stood for divorce and meant. You are a failure and you are not loved or you are broken. Everybody knows it. So when I would go to parties, either I would flip into this persona that I could pull off, and it was kind of like acting and I acted like my outgoing self to get through it, or I felt like I had this very flawed, very vulnerable.
I could be hurt easily. And, and that people knew that. So it was, it. I, I felt wounded and naked with that. So, fast forward. Now, how do I do this different? Well, one, I don't go to a lot of dinner parties. No, maybe I live in Big Sur. My nearest neighbor is like still a 15 minute drive away. Um, so what, what I actually do when I go.
I remove any kind of expectation that I need to give energy to other people for them to like me. So that exchange isn't happening anymore. I don't feel like I have to do something for you to be worth your time at all. I know I, I can't do that anymore. And I also know that's how I devalued myself a million times over.
So I'll go. And what I am now thinking about is the other person, are they interesting? Are they insecure? Are they kind? Do they seem vulnerable? So instead of being all focused on me, am I crazy? Like I was, I'm much more able to compassionately witness people and, and also for me to watch. People from this place of, I don't even know if I want you to like me, which is radical.
I mean, it's so different than I used to be, but, but it's very freeing. And you know, I don't go into these situations going, oh, I have to convince you that I'm likable. I'm going into these situations like, I'm gonna check you out. Maybe you're, maybe you're interesting or maybe you're not. Or maybe you're kind, or maybe you.
Or maybe you're fun, maybe you're not, and I'm gonna watch you and I'm gonna figure out kind of how I feel about you. And so that's much more what worthiness feels like. It's like that strong standing in my. Plank, you know, holding my core and holding to myself without jumping out of myself to go try to perform for somebody else.
So that's what I want you to try. Whatever situation you're feeling insecure, see what you can do to not basically not think about yourself or your ideal self and more think about being a very neutral. Witness to the feedback or to what you're seeing or to how people are operating around you.