Have you ever tried to wash away a hard day with a candle-lit bubble bath only to find yourself feeling worse? Have you ever hoped to namaste yourself into meditative bliss and instead found yourself spinning with anxiety? Have you ever rewarded yourself—ordering a pizza when you’re stressed, having a glass of wine when you’re overwhelmed, or buying a new outfit when you’re feeling frumpy—only to end up feeling discouraged and guilt-ridden? If self-care has made you feel even more stressed, overwhelmed, and out of control—you’re not alone.
Here, I share the 9 simple self-care habits that have made a huge difference in my overall feelings of happiness, self-worth, and well-being. These habits are easy to incorporate into your daily routine, and they'll help you build self-worth, recharge your batteries, and cultivate balance in your life.
The Problem with Self-Care and Mental Health
Since the pandemic, self-care has become a priority for most people: 69% of Americans reported goals of spending more time on self-care, 67% said that self-care is part of their daily routine, 70% report that they reward themselves after a hard week. At the same time, prescriptions for antidepressants, anti-anxiety, anti-insomnia drugs have jumped 21% per year.
With all these people prioritizing self-care, why aren’t we seeing a trend toward well-being? Why are we still so stressed out, anxious, sleepless, and overwhelmed? Short answer: we’re doing it wrong. There’s been a major misunderstanding, one that has robbed us of the experience, outcome, and benefit of caring for ourselves.
This misunderstanding has confused self-care with self-pity, self-indulgence, and instant-gratification. And while the intention is self-care, this misunderstanding leads to the exact opposite: a sense of apathy. Apathy is what you feel you don’t believe you have the ability to change your circumstances. Apathy is what you feel when you’ve given up, given in, and decided to tolerate a life that you shouldn’t. It’s a lack of enthusiasm, interest, and concern. Simply put: apathy is the state of not caring.
Self-Care v. Self-Efforting
True self-care means that you must actually care. Care requires effort. It requires your attention. It requires that you work toward something you want. It requires your enthusiasm, interest, and concern.This is what I call self-efforting and I’m going to teach you how to do it and why it works.
Self-efforting is about adding effort to make your life better. It’s about building self-sovereignty, self-respect, and self-worth. It’s about keeping promises to yourself so that you strengthen self-trust. It’s about investing in who you are now so that you become someone better tomorrow. It’s about self-accountability and making choices that create long-term success. Self-efforting is about taking ownership of your life, empowering yourself to create change, and being proud of yourself at the end of the day.
Here are the 9 different categories of self-care and self-efforting. I want you to choose the self-care/self-efforting style that you most need—your style should be difficult for you, it should stretch you, and even be uncomfortable. It should get you out of your habitual pattern so that you can truly take care of your needs.
Self-Efforting Style 1: Color outside the lines.
If you’re the type of person who is perfectionistic, who stresses about doing things right, so much so that you end up in analysis-paralysis rather than taking action—style one is for you. You need to spend time, attention, and effort: coloring outside the lines. This style of self-efforting is about breaking out of the rules and being willing to do things wrong. This means breaking your perfectionistic rules, doing something messy, intentionally doing something wrong. Throw paint at a wall, get messy, run with scissors, and most of all be willing to break your own rules.
Speaking of coloring outside the lines… I just created a Self-Worth Workbook, a daily guide to build self-esteem – in it I share self-care checklists, confidence affirmations, self-esteem journaling prompts, self-love wallpaper for your iPhone and devices, and daily activities to help you build self-worth. It’s my gift to you for being a part of my community and I’m excited to share it with you.
Self-Efforting Style 2: Say no, and then yes.
If you’re the type of person who worries about the people around you, who tends to over-give and over-serve, who tends to be exhausted, overly busy, and who never has enough me-time—style two is for you. This self-efforting style is going to be hard for you because first you must say no to someone else and then you must say yes to something for yourself. This means that you’re going to have to be willing to be selfish (yes, I know) and also to have boundaries. Say no to hosting the book club, and say yes to the yoga class you’ve been putting off. Say no to volunteering in the classroom, and say yes to a walk on the beach.
Self-Efforting Style 3: Take the long way home.
If you’re the type of person who has a to-do list that’s a mile long, who strives for efficiency, races through life, and who’s the person that always gets shit done—style three is for you. This self-efforting style requires that you go against your speedy and efficient ways, it requires you to move at a slower pace, to savor the small stuff, and to soak in the beauty around you. This style isn’t about kicking-back and relaxing, it’s about slowing things down, about waking up and experiencing the moment. It’s about walking away from the frenetic busyness so that you can remember what life is really about.
Self-Efforting Style 4: Give yourself structure.
If you’re the type of person who tends to put things off, who readily chooses comfort and ease, who tends to plan your day according to your current mood, and who waits for motivation or inspiration to magically appear—style four is for you. This self-efforting style requires that you stop waiting for inspiration and instead create some structure. This style is about moving forward towards your goals, rather than waiting for them to appear. It’s about creating a schedule and sticking to it. It’s about doing rather than resting. It’s about getting out of your comfort zone and doing something important, even (especially) when you don’t feel like it.
Self-Efforting Style 5: Meet someone in real life.
If you’re the type of person who is all-too-content staying home, ordering in, and enjoying a nice evening with your plants, your pet, a book, or a good movie—style five is for you. This self-efforting style will require that you go beyond your introverted home-body comfort zone so that you engage with real life. This is about creating connections with people, with places, with nature, with animals. It’s about taking a risk to dip your toe in the water of life. It’s an invitation to adventure, to risk, to the unknown. This style requires that you create a larger life and expand your horizons.
Self-Efforting Style 6: Cook something from scratch.
If you’re the type of person who is frantic, overwhelmed, and anxious, if you’re feeling over-worked and under-appreciated, if you’re the type of person who is riddled with self-doubt, or feeling like life is just too damned hard—style six is for you. This self-efforting style is about making one small choice for yourself and then following it through to the end. It’s about working beyond self-doubt so that you can enjoy the process. It’s about resisting the temptation to give up and give in, and instead to empower yourself and dig into the creation process.
Self-Efforting Style 7: Finish something important.
If you’re the type of person who constantly seeks stimulation, adventure, and fun, the type of person who’d rather be out in the world having experiences rather than sitting at home being bored—style seven is for you. This self-efforting style is about going against your extroverted, joy-seeking tendencies, and instead buckling down to do the real work. It’s about being willing to be bored in order to finish something important. It’s about being willing to stay with the tedium so that you can accomplish a meaningful task. It’s about focusing in, committing, and sticking with something that truly makes your life better rather than getting distracted with frivolous fun.
Self-Efforting Style 8: Be willing to get a C.
If you’re the type of person who always hustles, who always wins, who feels pressure to not only get things done, but to do them with excellence—style eight is for you. This self-efforting style is about going against the habit of competing, achieving, and trying to win and instead cultivating humility. It’s about allowing yourself the grace of simply being ordinary. It’s about putting down the measuring stick and taking away the pressure. It’s about getting comfortable with who you are, rather than how you rank. It’s about cultivating a sense of self worth that has nothing to do with your achievements.
Self-Efforting Style 9: Get up off the couch.
If you’re the type of person who has a difficult time getting going, who gets stuck in the inertia of life, who often sits back, stays quiet, or doesn’t want to get involved—style nine is for you. This self-efforting style is about going against your tendency to avoid life. It’s about getting over the hump, so that you engage quickly and fully. It requires you to go against your tendency to wait, to hold back, and to stay small. It requires you to show up, get involved, and do something. Go for a run. Make a phone call you’ve been avoiding. Stop waiting and go.
To recap, True self-care means that you must actually care. Care requires effort. It requires your attention. This is why most self-care routines end up making you feel worse, and why thinking of self-care as “ self-efforting” will make a huge difference in your overall feelings of happiness, self-worth, and well-being.
Here are the 9 self-care styles and self-efforting habits that will change your life:
For perfectionists: Color outside the lines.
For over-giving people pleasers: Say no to someone else, and yes to yourself.
For speedy, list-maker-efficiency-seekers: Take the long way home.
For moody-unmotivated-procrastinators: Give yourself structure.
For introverted-homebodies: Meet someone in real life.
If you’re overwhelmed and anxious: cook something from scratch
If you’re distracted and ungrounded: Finish something important.
For the hustler-over-achievers: Be willing to get a C.
And lastly for those of you who are feeling lazy, uninspired, and stuck: Get up off the couch
To make self-care part of your daily routine, you need to know why you resist change, how to make ACTUAL changes in your life. To learn why it's so hard to change habits, why change is essential for building self-worth, and most importantly, how to make it easier, read this next: Why Change Is So Hard (And How To Break Through)